Nell

Nell is the most beautiful person I've ever met in one grand package. She came over after my model couldn't make it.. which actually wasn't so bad, because I haven't seen Nell in a really long time, and she lives real close to James. I didn't shoot a lot, but I didn't feel I needed to. This is my new favorite Polaroid.

March

In February..
I traveled about 1,600 miles.
11 nights spent with James.
3 canceled shoots (as the photographer)


I love traveling, I adore James, I hate models flaking on me. It makes me feel like they don't respect me as a photographer at all... and given I'm just starting off, but if you agree to do it...

But my friend Andrea is coming over in the next couple days to play, so that's cool. She's real reliable and I respect that. I need to shoot more. I worked with Holly again today (the owner of a vintage ebay store) as last time, she had amazing clothes.. and showed me some of the pieces she has set aside for a shoot I'm modeling for next weekend, and I think *the photographer* will really like them.



Need... more... polaroids....

This one taken by Chris Bush at the Oscar Bashing Party I helped James host. Which was way fun, by the way. ;)

Rape of a Nation

Today in class, we had a guest speaker talk about multi-media projects. Between introducing us to Garage Band, she told us about mediastorm.org a site dedicated to multi-media short films, documentaries, cultural issues, etc. The first one I watched was about the Congo... the poverty, fear, lack of medical help, war. I cried through the whole thing.

Watch eleven minutes - Rape of a Nation

This is the sort of thing I REALLY want to do. My heart lies in Journalism, in documentary photography. Sometimes I fear that being a woman will keep me from doing a lot of these things, though at times I know it would help. But God help me, I want to do it. If I could choose my death, I'd go out mid-battlefield of some sort. I fear censorship in the news and media, it scares me that I am the upcoming generation and I know nothing of what's going on in the world. That They are successful in keeping general disinterest in the younger generations, of encouraging children to be unthinking, unimaginative, sheltered and knowledgeable about only enough to keep the lower rungs of society functioning. Having come from this (though obviously with the desire to know more) I feel unable to trust politics, or even to be led to believe for a moment that as a normal lower-class or even middle-class citizen that my opinion matters. I don't believe that if I vote, it will change anything.


I do, however, believe I can make a difference through photography.


"We must all fear evil men... but there is another kind of evil that we must fear most. And that is the indifference of good men."
-Boondock Saints


I had to leave after the presentation because I was so riled up and wanted to go home, watch a few of these videos, pack for NY, talk to James about it and mostly give my mind time to wrap around how I would start working on my first multi-media piece.. whatever that ends up being. It's a terribly anxious feeling I feel at moments like these. Inspired, in a hurry, stressed, seeing some sort of big picture and trying to make sense of it.


But mostly Driven.
Start small...

Impatience

I cannot control myself.
Must. Talk. About. James.

*squeals* TOMORROW I SEEE HIIIIIMMMM *twitches*
After only ten days of not seeing him, I feel like I may go crazy if today and tomorrow don't pass quicker. If I could spend every fucking day attached to him, I would. I feel like my head's going to fall off just thinking about it.

And I'm editing myself.
Gutter.



And suddenly I don't feel like a waste of space anymore.
RAWR!
Fuck MV, fuck The Things That Go Wrong. Fuck the douchebags at Wallgreens who fucked my film up, fuckit that Jerome doesn't care for my Female Portrait, Fuck the bulb that blew out yesterday that kept me from shooting Jen, fuckit fuckit fuckit.

*puts on war paint*

Polaroids cover my floor and cats and cameras and film. Two dollars and fifteen cents a roll and handed back to me my cross processed snap shots. If only the darkroom were open all night... or god forbid the color processor was working, period. My life has once again resumed it's revolvement around photography, and for once beautifully balanced by someone who cares so much about the same Love. Who says polyamorous relationships don't work? I've never been so encouraged, inspired and driven. I'm working on an average of two or three shoots a week, and constantly with the Olympus point-and-shoot. Life is one step, two steps, baby steps in the right direction. Leaps and bounds in modest consciousness. Every day I show up at school (whether I have class or not) is a Fuck You to the idea that I've been there for going on four years. A cigarette with my first student-friends, and meanwhile Ideas of a skanky Asian-Anime themed Captures with silly acting Sam. Naps and wine and good conversations and cigarettes pass the time between photographic appeasement.

Today, Utica
Tomorrow, The World






Happy, talented Friends.






There's a family below me.
I feel bad
I turned up the bass
while listening to Tool.

I feel bad,
but not That bad.

Plug-ins and Polaroids

Wonderful Stacy and James!!
Beautiful, both of them.. inside and definitely outside.



I feel awful proud of myself for figuring out how to get my scanner to work not only on my laptop but in photoshop... after years of doing it the complicated way on my desktop. Moments like these make me feel competent and smart. Yay.

Spending the day lazy, as every Sunday should be. Though it'd be better if I could share it with, erm, SOS. kthnx.

I shot my friend Andrea yesterday... it's been way overdue. I shot her in the studio for the first time... and I'm really nervous about ever using studio lights. Things never quite come out how I want them to. Practice. But I took a tun (or so it seemed to me...). Six sheets of 4x5, three rolls of 120 (with Sander's Rollei!), and two rolls of 35mm. I even got Andrea naked, which was sweet and I fucking can't wait to see how they turn out. Tomorrow I'll force myself to go to the lab and process the black and white... I have this great habit of just NOT developing rolls when I'm super nervous about whether they came out or not. Which, you know, is counter-productive.

But I digress.


I'm just stoked that I'm shooting again.



Oh... And retarded proud of the new layout of my blog. They may be small changes.. but I went into the HTML coding and changed that fucker by hand. That's right. I can figure out coding. *gloats a little* (even if it took me a couple hours...)

Today? Today I'm Angry.

I'm often angry.
I'm working on it.
However... when my bank bends me over and rapes me in the ass, I get pissed. None the less, Nan bailed me out of starving to death, which is nice of her. I promised to take care of her in her old age. She said, "I am old. Just watch your money." I get it I get it. You know how much I get it? Key Bank and every other bank can fucking blow me. I'm not using the bank record book that bitch handed me. What I'll do is take over the world and only ever use cash for the rest of my life. Those fuck faces wont track where I spend it or be able to charge me for over drawing. I'll have a safe under the floorboards and act real shady. I'll use my bank card for buying ridiculously expensive dresses and shoes and that's it. I think I may even find a cute Asian chick to follow me around with my money and pay for everything.

James, you cool with that? Yeah, of course you are.


Eek, easy way to put me in a better mood. Think about James.


*gushes*

Fuck. You.

By Sanders McNew.















Clearly,
we rock.

Thriftwares

Today I went out to Syracuse to work for this girl Holly. She's real sweet and runs an ebay store called Thriftwares. She has incredible style and some retardedly fucking awesome clothes. This looks to be a promising relationship. Like seriously. My eyes just lit up with ideas as (as she put it) I posed as her Life Size Barbie. I really love not having to do anything with the clothes situation. And to top it off she's super cute and I will be shooting her if I have to peer-pressure her 5'2'' ass! Dammit.

I'm anxious to get down to the City again. I feel like right now my life is more down there than it is here. I spend most of my time waiting to live my life properly, enjoyably. I feel most of the time I'm just trying to fill empty days, trying to hurry those days which only make them longer. I've never been so productive. When I'm not shooting or processing or printing, I'm writing or reading or cleaning. Or talking. I do a lot of talking between ten pm and two am. But that's when I'm back in a Brooklyn Kitchen next to an open window and, having wrapped my naked body in a blanket, trying not to chain smoke. Unfortunately pale skin, red wine and smoke looks so damn appealing to me. But I'm really in my kitchen, five hours away.

Speaking about aesthetic pleasures:

I keep thinking about that Avedon video that both James and Jerome showed me. Avedon talks about using his photography as a kind of therapy. Something about "it" coming out of his system and onto the page. I can't stop thinking about this, and that is the way I'll be attacking my semester. Taking my frustrations with my relationship with my my sister. Taking my desires. Taking my pains. Why wouldn't I be doing this? Silly, that this should make such an impact on my thoughts, considering it's a natural way to view your art. I guess that's the problem; I have a hard time thinking myself an artist.

Which somehow leads me to thinking about showing my work to my Seminar class. (Which is the class where you work on your "final" portfolio.) No one in that class has seen any of my work. I was shaking and couldn't look at the students as I showed my prints. I'm a total attention seeker, but hate crowds or public-esque speaking. I especially hate judgment. They had nice things to say, and since then, they're nicer. I like nice. I even passed around a stack of Polaroids, including the nude black and whites of Sarah.

Science of Light was fun the other day. We (like always) were doing some experiment with the 4x5 and I (like always) was running our group and got pissed off at the camera because it wasn't listening to me. Of course I was trying to do some complicated Schime-en-floogle thing and had to fuck with both the front and the back but had the little boxes on too much of a tilt which is bullshit cause I should have been able to do it anyway.

None the less. I finally got it and sat down with the question sheet to finish the lab, letting whoever else clean up, and still fuming. I actually quite like being the leader of that group. It gives me this lovely power where I've dedicated Film Boy and Measure Girl and Recorder. I hold out my hand and snap at Film boy and demand Measure Girl to check that those two boxes are twelve and a half centimeters away from each other and it's all quite satisfying.

Even after getting pissed off, it was this wonderfully fulfilling pissed off. If that makes sense. I like throwing random stuff and scowling and bitching.

And it's nice because no one gets irritated at me because they know their lab will come back with perfect scores. That and I'm not mean to them, I keep it entertaining, and explain to Kelly what she doesn't understand.




So seriously, I have a wardrobe stylist.



And I get to see James on Sunday.
HIGHLIGHT!! (in pink)






James cleaned up some tidbits on this cause he's fucking anal. ;)
The more I look at it, the more I love it.

B&H

My grandparents sent me money to get photo supplies. I dedicated this semester to 50 sheets of 11x15 in both colour and black and white. That's quite the ambitious printing plans, there, Meg.

People are starting to double up on studio times because there's not a lot of time slots. I rush in there on Mondays and get Saturday 2-4 so far three weeks in a row. Two people wanted to sign up with me and I refused. No thankyou.

Now all I have to hope for is that Jaime doesn't bail on me on Saturday. I'll be real pissed.

Tomorrow is dedicated to printing! Yay!

Utica is different with you

James came to Utica. I took photos of him and him and I in the studio (35mm, 120 and 4x5 but NOT digital) it was fun and I'll be getting the 4x5 back tomorrow morning. Very excited. I love love love working with the 4x5, though that was the first time I took a portrait with one. I love cameras.

I went to the school's lab to develop some 35mm and 120 b&w... mind you I have a little over an hour when I get tehre before I have to leave. I get a 5-roll developing tank for 3 35mm and one 120. Spent like 20 minutes struggling to get the 120 on, I've never rolled one before. It was a serious pain in my ass. So 10 minutes to roll the other 35mm and I had the labtech hold my tank for later. I was way frustrated over the 120. I hope it wasn't the roll of James cause I'm pretty sure I fucked that roll up. I tried to be patient and gentle....


my computer's running out of battery, I'm at some cafe and didn't bring my power cord. Damn addictions. Only have one more hour to waste before I can head back to school. I want to print something to be proud of, dammit!!

Bore-dumb

I am seldom actually bored. But when it comes to working at a bar from seven until two am, with barely any customers and spending the majority of my time on my laptop plugging myself into Model Mayhem and updating my Myspace... I've finally found how I can be bored. I'll be leaving here with 15 dollars tonight, which will be enough to get me a pack of cigarettes and I may even spring for a 6-pack or bottle of wine for tomorrow. This is just ridiculously lame, however. I cannot live like this anymore, for real. I like good food and a nice home and good booze and shit. I hate going to Walgreens to develop my film cause I don't have the money to go to Danella's. I'm going to pound my head into the tabletop if I don't find a new job and figure out a living situation. I'm starting to get nervous that my dick landlord will pull Ultra Dick and change my locks or some shit. I haven't seen him since I got back, so I can't even pull the pathetic Please-Let-Me-Stay I-Have-No-Where-To-Go thing. Which isn't false, though perhaps exagerated, and perhaps not. I have this sick way of assuming that life will toss me some bone when I need it.

Though it did send me James, I fear I'd still be sleeping in my bed all day being pathetic if I hadn't met him. I guess it's my turn to continue the good luck.

Though it hasn't tossed me a job in the months that I've needed one, so I guess I'll break down tomorrow and go out and actually apply. Imagine that. I also need to get some cleaning done, and hopefully I'll still have an apartment for my planned guest to come and visit, haha.

I just figure this is Life's way of showing me humility.

But, God, I think I've learned it.

I'm a little scared that I'll never be good enough for these things that I want to be doing. I've got all these ideas about modeling and photography and the people I've surrounded myself with and what I'm going to do to build my life the way I want it. Fuck, half of me thinks I can really do anything I want, the other half says I'm a fool.

I'd rather be an adventurous fool, than too causcious and safe. My worst fear is looking back and saying,

"I could have..."







Me and Grandpa in his trainer Plane. I don't think I've ever seen him happier than when he's flying, more so when he was teaching me. An Airport Bum. APB. (He declaired to me).

I'm in Love with the World

Don't be mad cause we're so fucking cool.
Got a bunch of super fun photos back.
Including James and I.
Including Bowling.
Including kitties.
(all three)

PBR and Stella

Classy guy, that Christopher Bush.


I like my hair, after a few days of hemming and hawing over it.


I also think it's hillarious that I was waiting on four photographers from anywhere from a few weeks to a few days... and then today, three of them show photos. Aaaand I guess I can add myself, a fifth party, to that mix... seeing as I'm gonna finish this smoke and go pick up four rolls of film. mmmmmmmmmm, can't wait. Nervous, though, cause they ain't anything special.. meaning taken with a point and shoot, and for the most part are just snapshots... But I'm excited about that. Random shit. Every day shit.

I like everyday shit.. extra specially cause it's with someone I extra special like.

Start the Semester off Right

Photo I took with my 440 polaroid. I love it. Sarah is beautiful.


I'm in NYC and am having a hard time seperating responsability from my heart. I love it down here, and my life in this small world with a man I adore. Conversation, wine, cigarettes, pool and bowling, awesome friends in quiet bars. I've burned through like ten rolls of film just with a point and shoot, taking random photos. My cats are here with me, which is nice. And are just getting comfortable, then I shove them back in the car.

Skipped my first day of classes yesterday, and am going to skip my class for tonight, as well. I don't give a fuck, though, cause first days are bullshit anyway. The important one I go to is Science of Light 2, tomorrow. Can't miss that one. I'm real good at justifying pretty much anything. It's just so nice here! Whatever, at least I'm taking photos. And Chris dragged me into a bar bathroom again to take photos, which is neat. See! Modeling and taking photos and drinking with friends and being happy! Shiiiiit, totally worth missing a couple classes. ;)


I just don't want to leave.

Balls to the Wall

Lastnight I drunkenly emailed Terry Richardson with a silly and very short email packed with attachments from James Graham, Chip Willis, Frank Petronio, Christopher Bush and KC Gunn. It suddenly gave me this idea to start emailing photographers that AREN"T on Model Mayhem... There's something productive and fun about being so proactive about it. Aim high. They're no different than these amazing people I HAVE been working with. Even if I don't get a response, at least I tried.

But suddenly I feel un-fucking-stoppable.



Photo by Chip Willis.

Blood

One week, 1, 300 miles, 22 hours of driving, 2 countries, 4 cities, 4 states, 2 photographers, 2 cats, 1 MILF, 2 drunken nights, 110 dollar ticket: 83 in a 65, 6 smokes inside, 1 incident at the boarder, 200 dollars spent, 1 flying lesson, 9 family members, 1 grave visited, 1 dead father actively ignored, 1 sister to beat around the bush, 1 man to grip at my heart.

I'm finally home and I'm that sort of tired that makes girls like me cry. Been on the road for ten hours and smoked one more cigarette, this time in the comfort of my own home. I still have to bring in a bunch of shit from my car and pack for New York City, which I'm getting up for at eight am. I barely have the strength to sit up let alone trek up and down the stairs burdened with my over packing. I just want to sleep for a of couple days.

I'm shaking from lack of sleep, lack of food and caffeine. Pan and Artemis are mad because I don't have food for them, which is why I'm getting up so early.. have to go get them food before I catch my train. Thank god I can sleep on that ride.

My heart aches.

Slow Day

Slow days are always the worst. When thoughts that you dont' care to dwell on rise up. Like :

-Where are my friends I used to have?
-Where am I going to go when I go home and have to move my stuff out?
-How will I get a job without a phone?
-Where are my fucking friends?

Yeah I guess that's about it. The concept to me, of just dropping people you've been close with, is completely foreign. But I shouldn't complain, because I'm getting new friends. But I liked the old ones, too. Sigh.

I try to keep just thinkign about the good stuff, though. This semester at school should be really good. Settling back down into a healthy routine. Working on my "self". Going through my apartment and trashing the things I don't need. I'm looking forward to that.

Move forward. Stop looking back.

Flying

My grandfather got a little Cessna trainer plane so my aunt could learn to fly. Today, he took me up in it. It's the first time I've flown with him in like four or five years, and it's just as fun as it used to be. I didn't fly it much myself, because I was stupid timid, but really I just wanted to go up with him to spend time and to have some fun. I did have fun, too, cause he did just what he used to when we were little: up, down, side-to-side.. only more so. We did these not figure-eights figure-eights (not upside-down) that really pushed and shoved your gut good, which is always fun. It's neat looking out the window and looking straight at the ground. I've never seen my grandfather so excited.. Though he was a little bummed that I wasn't more agressive about learning and flying myself, but I needed a warm-up go, yaknow? IT"S A PLANE, dammit, totally foreign and stuff. I had the little point and shoot that Frank gave me and was snapping pictures and giggling and that's basically all I did. I listened to all the stuff Grandpa told me about the instruments and how to fly and what does what, which is real interesting to me as it is. So now I think I'll eventually have to learn how to actually fly and get my license. I may need it when the apocalypse comes.

That, and I've added something to my Life To-Do List:
-Find an aerobatics pilot to take me flying and to photograph... though not in the plane. Obviously.


I'm also trying not to want to go to Fashion Week. Not that I know what that even means. I do a good job at pretending I hate fashion.

Sometimes I honestly think people want me to fail. But not people I know, just people I don't know. What makes a stranger decide upon looking at a photo or seeing you, make them want to be nice or mean? It makes me wonder if I really come off as that much of a bitch. Cause I really don't mean to.

Lately I've been told that I'm average looking, or implied, or treated thus. I mean, I've been noticing it. Not that I ever thought that I wasn't, I just have never been told. It's painful for me to love modeling so so much and in the back of my mind know that I don't have that extra something to make me a Real Model. I like to believe that if I really wanted to, I could get an agency and do it. But when it comes down to it, even though I love fashion, I don't love it that much. I keep telling myself to stop worrying about it, to just keep working with people who I love their person and their work.


Besides. Photographer first.