Monday, November 30, 2009

Meet Apollo

I remember when I first saw him and I know he remembers it too, perhaps better from how I tell it than from his own point of view, even.

I was with my friend Holly. We always dressed up in some fabulous outfits and we always stood out ridiculously because no one dressed up like we did. It was a Saturday and we held a ritual of drinking wine after work, sure to be the best dressed and oh-so-proud of it (she being a stylist and a vintage clothing hoarder). I wore heals that made me tower at over six foot- mostly a challenge to boys, maybe a desperate call to find someone like Him. Tall. Beautiful. And Beautiful and Tall is exactly what I saw when I walked into the bar that night.

He wore that plaid shirt everyone's seen him in a million times. Black hair, scruffy face, green eyes and the smile to totally knock me over. Perfect. God-like.

Meagan, meet Apollo.

"Holly!" A frantic whisper, barely taking my eyes off of him as he disappeared into the smoking room. I asked her if she'd seen that tall dark retardedly-handsome man, though I can't remember her answer and I don't think I was too concerned with the response. I told her I was going to take my drink and go smoke another cigarette, even though I'd just finished one. Who fucking cared, I couldn't wait to be near him.

I don't think I could have been so bold had I not had a couple drinks before we got there- just enough to give me the liquid courage to saunter up to him and I knew I looked good- long legs, hot black dress (whatever it was, I don't remember except it was black), thick black eye-makeup like I now know he loves.

I eyed you and did I think I asked for a light. I believe I did. Mostly I remember your smile as I told you that you were the hottest man I'd ever seen (still true), taking a drag I rambled the way I do when I get excited in that hyper way, "I'm just going to stand right here next to you if you don't mind and look at you while I smoke this here cigarette," Taking a breath and a drag at the same time- two birds with one stone, "I saw you from across the bar and I just had to come out here and talk to you, my panties are just bursting!" and a leak of giggles slipping out (nerves, I'm sure, and who says that?!).

I look back and wonder what is it I was actually thinking? Was I drunk? Was I that confident that a man like him a) would be single and b) would be interested in me and my model stats? Damn, my ego. Damn my ego swelling outfit!

But good Lord, that smile again! So delighted by my showering of adoration, he laughed and turned to the girl standing next to him and introduced her as his girlfriend. I hadn't even noticed her before then, not even an inkling of an idea that she existed at all. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was at least a foot shorter than me- us. Maybe it was the tattoos that so un-femininely covered her arms and chest (the staple of Syracuse girls). But she gave me a smile that could shatter most evil-eyes, bright red lipstick stretching across a sweet but knowing face. As if she was used to him hitting on girls in front of her, though with the bite of an actual threat this time.

I tried very hard to be nonchalant about it. I tried hitting on her a bit. Complementing her on her.. shoes or something. I think my Apollo watched me, still happy with my strong attempts and perhaps enjoying my not-so-well blanketed discomfort. I remember him saying, "It's okay." But by that point there's no other option but to leave.

I dismissed myself with a blush and a smile, him standing there, slouching to one side, his head cocked a little further- his whole body tilted on an angle, grinning at me, assessing me.

Most girls would call his unshaven face, long hair and cocky smile "scumbag". And while I can't really disagree, he was still the most beautiful man I'd ever seen in my life...

Freedom of Thought, Freedom of Expression

I've been giving my blog a lot of thought. Well, actually, I always give my blog a lot of thought. Today I realized I've maintained an online journal for eight years. Eight years. Long time, I think. And I look back to my first posts on my first journal and it's terribly embarrassing. In fact, I've been working on copying those entries into appleworks and DELETING THEM FOREVER. But, really, I'm not so embarrassed about my 16 year old self. The girl who ached over her lonely heart, who jumped to conclusions, who sought out curious information on occult topics, who said stupid immature things constantly. Just a couple of friends, totally naive. Not much has changed except the naive part.

But it's served it's purpose. I can go back to journals from when I was eight years old and find out what I was interested in. Back then I spelled terribly and wrote simple sentences like, "to day wus melody and me berthday. we ternd 9."

Again. Not much has changed. ;)

But I also recognize my desire to tell more of a story, rather than just purely expose my general feelings on life. But I fear judgments from those I care about. Perhaps someone gets their feelings hurt. Perhaps someone wont realize that there are multiple sides to a story, even your own.

I tend to look at a situation from multiple angles. A simple one being that of a love-hate relationship. You love someone for this reason, hate them for that reason. But can you really love and hate someone at the same time? I don't think so, but it is a way to express yourself. So, it's easy to say you can tell the story from the love side or the hate side, and yet neither would be completely true without the other.

Hence, I suppose, memoirs are based on truth.

Here on out I plan on sharing stories. They will be based on truth, shaped around my feelings- which often change reality. Names will be replaced. So don't believe anything you read here. Things change, people change, feelings change. I may drive you away or drive you toward. Here goes...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Movie Review: New Moon

1) I'm going to become an actor. If they can do it, I sure as fuck can.

2) You'd think entertainment budgets would be able to supply us with more. Particularly with this plot line. It was fucking terrible. I felt like the movie would never end...

3) Dakota Fanning, you stole it. Thankyou for saving me from certain death with your five minutes and two lines on the screen. (She'll turn SIXTEEN this February, can you believe it? And she looks so timeless as the evil Jane... I look forward to seeing her in the next Twilight movie, and hoping to see her as more evil characters in the future! We don't get to see many child actors maintain the screen, but she could play some serious rolls in her teens, and I hope she does.)

4) I don't believe Kristin Stewart has EVER had a kiss that's knocked her off her feet. You know the kind (for those who have read the books.. the kind that Bella and Edward are SUPPOSED to have), the breathless shivering mind numbing type. Instead they're groaning on screen so all us sudden 13 year olds can be squeamish. She almost got it with her depression and crying but once again, I doubt the girl has ever been truly heartbroken.

Overall, a disappointment. Not that I expected much.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Book Review: Eclipse

Maybe I should change the title from "Book Review" to "book Reflection". Seeing as all I have after this book is this: If I found someone I really loved and who really loved me and we thought we honestly were going to be together for the rest of our lives, I'd love to get married.

Now, I don't see myself as the marrying type. I see myself as the kinda woman who will drift around doing what I do and never settle anywhere or with anyone. Though not for lack of desire to do so, but because that's just how I believe it'll go. That and I don't have faith in people to be able to dedicate themselves to one person. I want to believe in soul mates and true love, but it's hard when I see so many broken families and divorce and cheating and.... you get the point.

But.. you never know.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Book Review: The Alchemist

If you want an easy read book that will inspire you to follow your dreams: this one is perfect. At first slow, and definately a fairly elementary read, it winds you with phrases like "Personal Legend", "Soul of the World" and "universal language" that by the end has you aching to do some inner searching to find your own path to your own treasure.

My treasure is calling me from California.

I, for one, believe that we all have a right path, one that will make us the happiest and most fufilled. I also believe that when you stray from this path, things start to go wrong until you find it again. I honestly believe that the Universe or God or whatever you wish to believe in, wants us to be satisfied, have love and be happy.

Book Review: New Moon

Honestly I have the same complaints I do about the first, though perhaps less so. It wasn't so bad this time, seeing as I didn't know what was going on because I haven't seen the movie first. Still slow and frustrating (particularly about her taking so long to figure out the warewolf part... I JUST watched the trailer for it and it's RIGHT in it... it take Bella HALF the book to finally figure it out...). Man up, Edward!! And what was all that about her heming and hawing about getting married? But she wants to be a vampire? yeah that makes no sense. Particularly when it's obvious that in these books, vampires take life-partners and get all suicidal when theirs die.

I think that's what kills me the most, though.

I want that kind of love that she feels and it makes me so depressed and anxious, so torn up and emotional. To think that there is that sort of love out there, that kind that is renching and heart splitting. Bed ridden heartache, mind numbing. How she explains holding herself together, physically - it just makes my heart ache.

My heart usually aches a lot, anyway.

While I'm sure most girls dream about it growing up, it's been an obsessive part of my thoughts for as long as I can remember. Wanting so badly that unconditional responsive love, from both sides. That one where you both KNOW that it's just meant to be, where your souls just meet and never want to part. It's the unquestionable driving force behind everything I do and the worst part is- I don't think I'll ever get it, and if I do, I believe it'll be fleeting. Or worse, one sided.

The terror I feel when I think of that sort of love is real, and has lead to many many tears for me.

eh, on to the next book.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I'm In Another Book!

Which you can pre-order here.

This contains pictures of the more risque nature - the ones I'm secretly terribly proud of but too shy to show off. They're the type your boyfriend might take. You know, Tits the center of attention, flash and running eye makeup. The butt-pop. I don't advertise these photos like I do the rest of them because I don't want GWC's thinking that I freely do this sort of work. First of all, Tony approached me in an extremely professional manner and immediately offered it as a paid shoot, no if ands or butts about it. Just my cup of tea. Plus I got there and he was cool as shit, talking about him and his wife's place upstate, showing me pictures of his re-decorated summer house. No pretenses, no expectations. Plus, he told me I reminded him greatly of Sasha Grey and, shit, if I was going to be compared to a porn star it better fuckin be her. I got naked in a park. Boys love that public nudity thing. It was right next to a free-way and I'm surprised I didn't cause an accident. Maybe NYC is just THAT desensitized. Even MY tits can't cause bumper lickins.

Apparently I'm all over the book. Even though there was never any food involved. There was an amazing sequence dress from which I wish I still had. Have you ever seen those disk sequence dresses? yeah it was one of those. Like quarter size. Shimmy-able, flapper-ish. Hot.

Anyway. I can see lake Michigan from the window here. It was sunny out, and pretty nice.. but the clouds rolled in. I like being able to see the beach from inside here. Pretty awesome if you ask me.

Tasks for today:
-Apply for a few jobs
-bring my Konica Auto-Reflex to the doctor (I'm fucking terrified they'll tell me they can't fix it and have been putting it off for over a year :( )
-Type a page on my typewriter
-Clean out my car and organize my room

Most likely I'll get caught back into New Moon sometime before and after I bring my camera to the shop.

Oh, did I mention I get a free copy of said book? Oh yeahhhhh
One day I'll be able to buy Sander's and Frank's.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Book Review: Twilight

In two days, I read this book Twilight. It's really fucking big and I pretty much spent all my time reading it. I'm a slow reader but I'm determined to read the whole series in record time. Which is a bit grueling, considering the story is terribly drawn out. One day at school, I swear, takes at least two chapters. I mean, by all means, stress to me the importance of Bella waiting for her Prince Charming to return from his week-long hissy fit that she smells so damn good, but does it really need to take up a third of the book?

I suppose I'm just irritated that good vampire books don't exist for adults without being romance or graphic novels or something. Is there such a thing as well written, well plotted fantasy books? Or is it all lost on adolescence? I remember reading on particularly good vampire book when I was younger, though I don't recall the name of it. It was not a series and it was not painfully drawn out.

And, for the record, I thought the movie fucking blew. Like really big time sucked. But I love vampires to no end and will read every vampire book I can get my hands on, no matter how grueling. Okay, I lied, I can't stomach forcing myself through Anne Rice and her gay boy fantasies and over descriptions (and, once again, DRAWN OUT).

I would also like to point out that by the end of Twilight, it's just like the movie- no meantion of some other warewolf boyfriend coming along. However, the cover of New Moon has a movie cover on it, with Miss Bella standing with some douchebag who is NOT Edward (who she apparently is MADLY in love with).

First of all, this is a terrible spoiler. Second of all, they go further to include a poster in the inside, with Bella being all slutty on Mr Warewolf and Edward looking all sad and pathetic.

This just makes me mad. The boy's been 17 for a hundred years and looses his human girlfriend to some harry moon beast and gets all pouty? Bitch'd be crying, not me, if I were him. piff!

Alright, off to read New Moon.

On last thing: I will read New Moon within the next couple days and then go watch the fucking movie. I will hate it and bitch about it for days after that, too. You know, while I read the NEXT book in the series. I bought that stupid Twilight movie and watched it like three times trying to convince myself it wasn't as bad as it was, but I'm telling you what - there's no saving that movie. Those kids can't act and the script was taken right from the book. I don't want to feel like I'm being read to in a movie, I was to experience it. They just did such a poor job on a movie that had so much more potential.

And the part that really boggles my mind: So many people love it!

I could understand kids liking it, but common. If you're out of High School, you should be able to tell the difference between a cute fantasy movie (How about The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe? Or The Golden Compass?) and something that should have been THROWN AWAY before it hit the theaters.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that everyone's obsessed with these beautiful eternal demons.

I miss when different was actually different.
Eventually we're going to be reading books on devout Catholics.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I've sat down at a computer many times and pulled up my blog wanting to say something, and continuously draw a blank. Being in Michigan is the first step to an adventure I've been mentally planning for years. This desire to drive around the country and do some soul searching and photographic work is overwhelming and just a breath away. I thought at first I'd be able to find paid modeling work to make this dream a reality, yet I have a very hard time hunting down photographers who pay. Money talk makes me uncomfortable, for sure, so asking to have them hand over a certain amount for the lending of my tits weirds me out. But I so desperately want to travel around the country and really SEE it... photograph it myself... do some road meditating. Whatever. I'm sad and frustrated and feel like I'm suffocating, buried alive, drowning! I just wish things would neatly fall into place so that I knew I was going the right way. Fuck this winter! I don't want anything to do with it. I want to write on my typerwriter every day and take pictures constantly. Model for beautiful images and make money so I can actually do this.

fuck. I'm craving salad.

What a stupid entry. More tomorrow... at least I posted something.