Saturday, January 26, 2008

Bore-dumb

I am seldom actually bored. But when it comes to working at a bar from seven until two am, with barely any customers and spending the majority of my time on my laptop plugging myself into Model Mayhem and updating my Myspace... I've finally found how I can be bored. I'll be leaving here with 15 dollars tonight, which will be enough to get me a pack of cigarettes and I may even spring for a 6-pack or bottle of wine for tomorrow. This is just ridiculously lame, however. I cannot live like this anymore, for real. I like good food and a nice home and good booze and shit. I hate going to Walgreens to develop my film cause I don't have the money to go to Danella's. I'm going to pound my head into the tabletop if I don't find a new job and figure out a living situation. I'm starting to get nervous that my dick landlord will pull Ultra Dick and change my locks or some shit. I haven't seen him since I got back, so I can't even pull the pathetic Please-Let-Me-Stay I-Have-No-Where-To-Go thing. Which isn't false, though perhaps exagerated, and perhaps not. I have this sick way of assuming that life will toss me some bone when I need it.

Though it did send me James, I fear I'd still be sleeping in my bed all day being pathetic if I hadn't met him. I guess it's my turn to continue the good luck.

Though it hasn't tossed me a job in the months that I've needed one, so I guess I'll break down tomorrow and go out and actually apply. Imagine that. I also need to get some cleaning done, and hopefully I'll still have an apartment for my planned guest to come and visit, haha.

I just figure this is Life's way of showing me humility.

But, God, I think I've learned it.

I'm a little scared that I'll never be good enough for these things that I want to be doing. I've got all these ideas about modeling and photography and the people I've surrounded myself with and what I'm going to do to build my life the way I want it. Fuck, half of me thinks I can really do anything I want, the other half says I'm a fool.

I'd rather be an adventurous fool, than too causcious and safe. My worst fear is looking back and saying,

"I could have..."







Me and Grandpa in his trainer Plane. I don't think I've ever seen him happier than when he's flying, more so when he was teaching me. An Airport Bum. APB. (He declaired to me).

1 comment:

Tom said...

Meagan, Michelle and I might be interested in talking about some sort of trade with you. We're working on our editorial book, stumbled on your blog via some older man's blog, and though you were an interesting model. I don't know what resources we have that you might need photo-wise, but it might be worth a discussion if you're in New York? If you think so, email us at tomandmichellephotography at gmail.com P.S. feel free to delete this comment.