Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Fran Dances to Laughter

Today I feel quite incapable and silly about my photography work. On one hand, I know that I've improved in leaps and bounds in the last couple of months, and very much thanks to some key people who have helped me greatly. However, at the same time, I feel like I should be better. It frustrates me when I can't get a model to do what I want, or have people bail on me or show up with an attitude like they don't really care, or they're doing me a favor. Showing my work to my fellow students and barely getting a reaction one way or another, and not being able to get my professor to even look at myself, let alone a reaction himself.

I know that the only thing I can do is go to sleep, relax and keep doing what I'm doing. But it doesn't mean that I'm not frustrated and torn apart and anxious over it all. I'm so driven to make sure that I have the best I can do for this senior show... and I doubt more than two people I know will be there to see it. I'm not even graduating... Does this make me a failure of some sort?

It's strange how when I need things to go smoothly more than ever, everything gets all fucked up. My computers, cameras, financial situations, models, scratches in film, god damn lack of film.

But, my reasonable side says to me, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". And my dramatic bitchy other side tells the reasonable side to go suck a cock in a sewer ditch.

I sure do like the latter.

I was going to make a Thank You List, but instead I think I'll make it into a photo series. You know, if I can find the time.

No comments: