Drawing Inspiration

I'm having a problem judging my opinion of this photo, or any of the photos from this set with Sarah. I drew inspiration from a prominent relationship in my life and used James as my trigger release. Maybe because of how preconceived the concept was, I am unable to distance myself enough to make better sense of it.

None the less, Sarah is one of the most beautiful people I know, and am elated to label her in the small category of "friend". It's impossible to take a bad portrait of her.

While editing this photo (and organizing the mess of photos scattered about on my desktop or in wrong folders) I've been watching V for Vendetta, which is possibly my favorite movie. It's definitely the movie I've watched the most, and it never fails to make me cry. I sure love Natalie Portman, she's brilliant. And I'm pretty sure that I don't have to go into detail about why I love this movie so much, but let it suffice to say that when I saw it in theaters, I was ready to blow shit up.

So besides the future and our civilization slowly approaching the need for revolutionary leaders, I'm doing my part by improving my journalistic photography goal, one "hot naked chick" after another. Which is what I told the video camera and the girl behind it who interviewed a few students, asking them what they wanted to do after MVCC. Take pictures of hot naked chicks. This was either right before or right after I pulled my pants half down like I do for my pool enemies. I was this close to flashing the camera, too (as she was shooting shoulders up..) but my professor was there and though I Don't Give A Fuck, I kinda do and pussed out.

But I did scan a bunch and transfered files and do all that mumbo jumbo that I needed to do. I should be editing but I don't care to look at me and Sarah at the moment, and feel like doing another Rollei square, but of Jessalyn on James' roof, but I don't have them on my computer yet. I also have point-and-shoot drunk photos of this girl Michele and I in some bathroom where we did normal drunk-girls-with-camera things like take our shirts off and grope each other, etc. Pretty stoked about those.

Today I feel like I have a lot to write, earlier I was writing some stupid poem in my head that built all day but I should have tried to write it earlier because now it makes no sence to me seeing that it's four in the morning and I'm sober and emotionally rebelent and chaotic with the list of things I need to do and so quiet and singular and... what's the word I'm looking for? Cut-off. Exiled. Something. Contained. Focused. It's okay, but it's a little sad. But not actually sad, maybe more stoic. Do you know what I mean?

It's strange that I've lived in the same place for three and a half years, yet I find myself with no friends. No one calls me, no one asks to see photos or hold a real conversation. Even when I'm around people I like or people I hope to be closer to or who I actually consider friends, I feel this guarded holding back.

Fame

So now I don't only have small fame for my tits - I mean internet modeling - but now I'm starting to get an ebay cult following, as well. haha. Neat.

Fran Dances to Laughter

Today I feel quite incapable and silly about my photography work. On one hand, I know that I've improved in leaps and bounds in the last couple of months, and very much thanks to some key people who have helped me greatly. However, at the same time, I feel like I should be better. It frustrates me when I can't get a model to do what I want, or have people bail on me or show up with an attitude like they don't really care, or they're doing me a favor. Showing my work to my fellow students and barely getting a reaction one way or another, and not being able to get my professor to even look at myself, let alone a reaction himself.

I know that the only thing I can do is go to sleep, relax and keep doing what I'm doing. But it doesn't mean that I'm not frustrated and torn apart and anxious over it all. I'm so driven to make sure that I have the best I can do for this senior show... and I doubt more than two people I know will be there to see it. I'm not even graduating... Does this make me a failure of some sort?

It's strange how when I need things to go smoothly more than ever, everything gets all fucked up. My computers, cameras, financial situations, models, scratches in film, god damn lack of film.

But, my reasonable side says to me, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". And my dramatic bitchy other side tells the reasonable side to go suck a cock in a sewer ditch.

I sure do like the latter.





I was going to make a Thank You List, but instead I think I'll make it into a photo series. You know, if I can find the time.

Adorable and Strolling

I'm sorry, but look at that face. I just want to attack him with love and hugs and random leg humping! Awe. Those olives are lookin pretty tasty, too.


Anyway.


Yesterday was not only Sunday but 4-20... so after the shoot I had yesterday, my friend Stacie calls me up and wants to hang out. We go to the park with her dog and a 6-pack of Saranac around seven, with the plan to drink the sun down. That we did. Two guys drive by just as it's starting to get dark and she knows one of them, they hang out and we smoke more. Then there's a truck with glaring headlights that is actually the park ranger doods and we're like cross-eyed and he's like 'can't block the road, anyway we're closing down' and backed up and the boys split like rabbits and we cleaned up and I retreated us back to my apartment.

We hang out for a moment and then decide to walk to the gas station (about five blocks away), which, having grown up in central/upstate New York, I know this isn't a great idea. But whatever. She grew up in California. They, apparently, don't have the problem of leering men in every other car, of slow moving vehicles and catcalls. We even got asked if we wanted to smoke cronick (sp?).

These are times when I feel really wary of being a girl, I can't even walk down the street after dark, and it wasn't even that late (tenish?). This is also one of the reasons I love new york city, in the city, you're invisible, for the most part. Everyone is doing their own thing and have too much going on to worry about whether they can harass, steal or otherwise abuse two girls at night. Down the main street. I just.. don't get it.

Although I don't walk around any streets, usually, unless it's with James in NYC. And then, you know, I'm invincible, unstoppable, indestructible!!

:)

Yeah, so, for real

Chefboyordi is so fucking nasty.

This is me from a year ago, in Florida. I fucked those boots up which I'm really pissed about. I was going to wear shorts today but I can't find them in the masses of my clothing. oops. I also miss my long dirty ratty hair. I'm workin on it.

Burning

I'm burning scans I.. scanned while here at James'. It's beautiful out and I can't wait to drive down the highway with the windows down. But goddamn, this burning shit's takin forever! And then, of course, I have to swipe The Gutter Twins and In Rainbows and 10,00 Days and Creedence Clearwater Revival and Doolittle for the road. I've had all these 'cept Creedence, but either I don't have them on cd or I lost it (MUST LISTTEN TO IN RAINBOWS DAMMIT). So all of these are essential for the upcoming five hour drive. But I really want all these CD's to be burned like NOW so I can get out in the sun and warm weather. At least it's going to continue to be nice up in Utica as well as down here. 

But you know, I normally drive listening to nothing for half the trip, then radio scan. The radio scanning is pretty terrible. 

I love how NYS goess from winter to suddenly summer. There's not much of a spring. 

And my car is sitting out on the street... more like in the middle of the street. 

Meh.

Everyone's Pregnant

I swear, girls I know are getting pregnant left and right. And they're all having boys. Boys boys boys... all of them. Do any of you know anyone having a girl? I think it's natures way of preparing for half the world to be blown up or aliens or 2012 or whatever. A decrease in nurses is not a good thing. Poor medical coverage and health care is also not so gravy. Neither is the fact that gas is way too fucking expensive, minimum wage too low and the rich too rich.

I keep saying to myself, when I think of these things... 'if you can't beat em, join em.... and then work from the inside out.' But who knows if that'll work. I keep thinking that all this portrait learning crap, all it's going to do is make me a better journalist for when my back yard is getting blown up and a tellascreen gets mounted in my apartment and I'm forced to live with the homeless dudes in the deep set camps around the subways of NYC. You know... if NYC even exists.

This is why I don't want kids. I don't want MY children growing up in this shit. Learning how to hate me in school and telling me to fuck off. Having sex at 12 and being just so totally into Playboy bunny necklesses and makeup and short shorts and shaving legs by 10.

Ahhh. I may be thinking a lot about my niece. She's fucking 12 and has a glittering myspace with terrible Myspace Photos that make me want to lock her in her room. A boyfriend she's just So In Love With... which makes me want to find him and give him the spanish inquisition, shake him and tell him if he hurts her, I'll go all Upstate New York Hick on his ass and find a shotgun.

See? I shouldn't have kids. I don't even know what to do with my sister's kid. I'll leave the parenting to siblings and friends. Maybe I'll learn to perfect the Super Cool Aunt thing. You know... leave the shotgun and the lecture of "you don't need to shave your legs, you should be playing in the woods" at home.

My mother just kept my sister and I really sheltered, and I'm glad for it. I have maners and morals. I mean... Now I get naked for strangers on a regular basis, but that's different! I didn't even know what a condom was until I was like 14. Or a blow job. Or touch myself in that special place until I was like 16 or 17. God damn.

These little shits of kids at 10-15 need to be seriously smacked one good.

This is why I don't. want. kids. Everr.

Though part of me does wish that I had it in me to be a nurse. We need more nurses. We need people to take care of sick children and soldiers and shit.

I think I'll just go pick up some Natural Remedies book. Learn to make some magical healing salve out of moss and shit. Yeah, that's what I'll do. And watch out farmers, when the world is falling to pieces, I'm stealing a horse and escaping to the mountains.


Anyone care to join?


In other news, I've got a shoot soon, yay.


Oh, and up there. That's My Stylist, Holly.
I love saying that... "my stylist"
hehe

I love my Kitties

Pan's laying in my lap. He's so retarded cute.

I love this polaroid of James.. He looks so fucking sexy when he's photographing me or anyone. I love watching him shoot, it gets me all randy.

There's a bunch of new polaroids on my MM page here

Science of Light

I will go to class
I will go to class
I will go to class
I will go to class
I will go to class

Til then, Marko.

For the record.. I hate shooting in the studio or with studio-ISH lights of any shape or sort.

Unless, of course, Frank lights up a whole side of a room and I am capable of shooting down on Drunk Cris in a russian looking fur hat and panties.


But besides THAT.


Ew.



ps- I love fuji film.
(actually I think I just love most film... but right now, at this moment, I love fuji)

Busting Ass

I've been busting my ass to get things done for what seems like weeks, though I know a few days ago I slept till five in the afternoon. hah. Today and the next few days will be dedicated to scanning, editing and shooting. It's just never ending, which is nice. But when I come home and I'm still working on photos after doing it all day and I just want to talk to a friendly loving person and there's no one to call... That blows.

Don't mind me, I ran out of cigarettes.

Today I got in a fight with my landlord. Literally. I have scrapes on both arms to prove it, from struggling with him against a wall (I guess you'd call it). This is the short version. The long version I've told too many times today.

Though there gets to a point of carrying heavy things where you muscles and body just fucking rebel.. I like to think of myself as a tough girl, but my body hurts from fighting with a dude two and a half times my size and moving bricks all day. At least I'll sleep well.

Long story short, he's a fucking dick. And I got my things, and I pressed charges. Fuck you.

Cris, on the other hand, is not a dick... in fact, she's quite the opposite. especially, I feel, in this photo, where she looks quite kick-ass.. if you ask me.

End of the Semester

The semester is winding down and suddenly I feel frantic to get experience in the studio, to print everything I can, to scan everything, to shoot everyone, to GO GO GO GO GO

Which is all fine and dandy.... except the part where I dont' have the money to process film. I think I'll break down and try to shoot more digital. I've got such a hangup.

I checked my midterm grades (never did, they were done weeks ago..) and I have a B, B, C... the C being in the one class that I feel I should have an A in. Maybe if my professor cared to look at my work, he wouldn't just guess on a grade. One of the B's is from my Science of Light class that I haven't attended in about a month.. but I talked to my professor and it looks liek I'll be able to pass alright. Good. Gotta give the Fam the Good Grades.

Cristina

I'm very proud of this image because there were things in the two top corners that I got rid of.. and I'd never fucked with an image in photoshop that much before...

Today my class went to Syracuse University to go to a lecture. There were a few different ones you could go to.. I chose the Studio lighting one first, and then the portfolio review. Both were disapointing, though we did get to find out that we learn the same at our community college about lighting as a four-year school. What it did do, though, is inspire me to do more studio work. Hopefully I can get Cris (above photo) to come out here for me. That would rock.

Almost have all my stuff to my new apartment. I'm stoked. Photos soon.

I brought the cats here today. They seem happier. I know I am.