NewwwYork!

Driving into the city never ceases to be exciting. Always astounded at how big it is, how far the huge buildings and lights and cars and people stretch on forever.

My sister is visiting and we're packing her visit stuffed full of fun fun fun!

Above is Sarah, who we hung out with lastnight, which was also fantastic. The picture is from New Years.

weeeeee

Samhain

I was not a cat or a zombie Sarah Palin. I was a gypsie... again. An excuse to walk around with my stomach out and my coin belt and huge hippy skirt. Me and two foxy ladies roamed about looking for adventure but unfortunately didn't come by much of anything, ended at a bar where I proceeded to get housed properly on long island iced teas, woke up confused and that's always pretty telling. But I had a fabulous relaxing day and Holly and I made our Saturday dinner (she's amaazing in the kitchen!), watched a couple movies.

Today is the Celtic pagan holliday Samhain, which is what Halloween is based off of (that an other similar pagan holidays like the Day of the Dead). I always think a lot about my father and what he'd be doing at my age. Every year I'm closer to being the age he was when he died, a mere 26. Along with Samhain being the day dedicated to the last harvest, the end of summer, past loved ones and spirits and Gods being more accessible, it is also the New Year.

I've thought about past loves and futur loves, I had champagne and wondered if it was really possible to talk to the dead, and come to the conclusion that if Jesus can turn water to wine, then surely there are fairies. I threw away his toothbrush and picked my camera back up, too long it's been without it's Master's touch.

I feel like snuggling in for the winter, dreading it yet loving it. My hybernation is coming, someone yell at me, please, if you notice me not shooting.

Halloween!!

God dammit, I love Halloween! My favorite day of the year, hands down.

I can't decide whether to be a Cat or Zombie Palin.

Fuck this shit I need to go get myself a disposable camera for tonight, yes pleaaase.

Ni-ni-niiiiples!

I got my nipples pierced the other day... for free by my friend Andrea who is apprenticing. No one else she knows will let her practice on them because they're all babies. Well, nipples fucking hurt to pierce, if you're wondering. But I loves them, they came out great. I almost backed out but Andrea didn't let me. Good girrrl.

Above is my sister, again, from the same night as the other one in a past entry. Melody will be visiting me soon, which is so exciting for multiple reasons but it means I get a model to shoot! Shooting Melody is like a freebee, or cheating or something, I always get good photos out of her, or maybe I'm biased, or maybe both. I have some 35mm that I know are good, too, but have to wait to scan them. Which, by the way, I'm working something out with my school: I'll model for a class if I can use the sanner, labs, develop... I win!

Ohhh and my main proffessor sent off three of my photos to a state-wide college photo contest in Albany, and they all got in.. we'll be hearing soon about results.

My internet's being a cock sucker or I'd post those pictures, too. Of course, they're of Jessalyn and Cris Ashley. Duhh

Kathryn

This girl, that one, in the middle of the boys, her name is Kathryn. She is a mess. A beautiful dramatic mess. I love photographing her. She hates me, I love her.

These four, they all have such stories. They are that Type, the type who all grew up in the area, bouncing from people to people, group to group, growing up in the same swirl. It's interesting to bombard them with with cameras and my own dramatics to add to the dynamic. Grab some photos, and peace out.

Next!

Except for Her. I want more.

pushing through

Sitting here, my heart filled with pitiful pains and sorrows as if I were sixteen. The same helplessness, the same indecision. I often feel like I'll be stuck in this spot forever, constantly trying to run away from it. I try so hard not to just lay down in my bed and forget the world.

I have a pile of things to do, and no drive to do it.

But at least I have this photo of Melody, a moment of joy pushing through her own sorrows.

Stumped

The last couple of weeks have been a haze of days running into eachother. I have so much to do, so much I want to do, but am lacking inspiration. I feel trapped. Useless. The eye of the storm, calm around a fury of emotions and thoughts and desires. So often lately I feel this way, and I thought with age this immature spurts of depression and hiding from the world would go away. For the first time, I feel caught between girl and woman, entering that time when I have to leave my careless days behind me, buckle down and put my nose to the grindstone. But it's hard, without inspiration.. Drifting, waiting...

But forcing myself out of bed early to get things done; mentally challenging myself, cleaning, reading, writing, planning photo things.. Is a good thing. Recoop, I guess.

What exactly is it that makes a person decide to do things that aren't in her best interest? This boggles my mind a bit.

And it's not like my life is so bad. I know this. But I am selfish and I want more. More from myself and my life. Which should be cherrished and not wasted and I should use what I have to make myself the best I can. End of story.

Get yerself together, Meg.

Eleni

I had this friend, Eleni. She was Lebanese and Greek with long black hair. She was beautiful and always smiling and rolled her cigarettes and talked about living "off the grid". She loved whiskey and Ithica. She went to massage therepy school before I knew her and once gave me a massage, putting me half asleep. In this photo, we drove out to a park that she knew of. It was the end of winter or the beginning of spring and just warm enough to not be cold and just cold enough to still have snow. She was hung over and self consious. I had fun shooting her and she was a great sport. Afterwards, we went to a hick bar and drank scotch and played pool and messed with the locals. I was 18, she was 20.



Crazy how a few years can feel like so long ago. This picture was from another night, though no less fun. Eleni now has a baby. Nuff said.

I've quit smoking. There's this torture that I realized about the withdrawal from cigarettes that I can deal with and even enjoy. It's the same pit in my chest that I felt when I missed James so much when I was in Utica. I have an addictive personality.

Rolls of film are starting to build up. All I need is developer to develop my own film, hurray! I have vague plans of stealing some from MVCC. Wish me luck!

God I love being up until the sun comes up.

Attention!

I just found math I like!

"For films and Plates: mix 1 part of this solution with 3 parts of water. At 18-20 C/ 67-70 F in fresh fixer, fix films and plates for 2-4 minutes with these exceptions: fix Kodak Panatomic-X filmsfor 1-2 minutes;fix Kodak Tri-X Pan Professional Films for 5-10 minutes. Discard the fixing bath when the time to clear exceeds one-half the total fixing time. Under normal conditions, if an acid stop bath such as Kodak indicator stop bath is used between development and fixation, this diluted bath will fix about 120 rolls of 620 film or the equivalent per gallon."

Self Control

It is a mantra. Have self control, have self control, have self control. I will not call any of the boys. I will not smoke. I will have composure. I will not call, I will not call, I will not call...

On my list of things to do today:

-Shoot Marice (Cute eccentric boy with neat style and an affinity towards making music)
-Possibly shoot Andrea (heavily tattooed and I've shot her many times)
-Clean out my car
-Get wasted and watch that new vampire HBO series that apparently you can get for free at Blockbuster. (Thanks Mell)

What I really want to do is take my feeble $100 that I have to my name and drive out to Texas and shoot the aftermath of hurricane Ike. The other night we got hit with the left over storm. The power went out at exactly two, and I begged Holly and Jon to go outside with me to check it out. All of Syracuse was out and it was ghostly, the wind was terrifying and I was convinced that there were monsters in the shadows. I was this close to getting in my car and searching out a cool shot from some high spot. But I didn't have my tripod sooooo.... sucks cause the moon was huge, too. Anyway, I grabbed my film just in case.

I have yet to see any good photos come out of Ike, and it's killing me. I know there are tuns of dudes with cameras around there so why the fuck haven't I seen a worthy photo of the 20 thousand people still in Galveston? I've been listening to NPR and watching the news and I'm going ape shit bat CRAZY wanting to just hop in my car and go take pictures. Oh! ohoh! And the NEWS, man, the news is crazy. Who's lighting these people? TV in general makes my head hurt but I want to watch it more (I don't have cable, myself) so I can be so inspired to go out and do shit.

But instead I have to go look for a real job. Fuck. I don't want a real job. I'm pretty happy scraping by and modeling for Thriftwares and going down to NYC every once and a while and taking pictures every where I go.

I think maybe I'll look into wedding photography. Buuuuut I need a digital camera. Need. I've got my precious film cameras (minus the Olympus). I finally have a light meter (two, actually, though I haven't figured out how to use them... Thanks Jeff and Tim!!).

Aright so I just spent ten minute playing with them and I figured it out. Fucking cool. They are so cooooool... they're the old kind... with swirly dials and needles and such. Which match my old cameras so weeeelll... and I found a 50's hot pink bike on craigslist for $50 bucks and I don't care if it's really fucking stupid I WANT THAT BIKE. Hopefully she didn't sell it yet *crosses fingers*.

Aright enough of this bullshit. Time to go out and take pictures to prove that I rock and that James can kiss my happy cute ass. I'll show him! (and everyone else, too!)

Watch me prance with my nose in the air.

Too sensitive

Lately I've had serious writer's block.

Maybe it's from the pressure and judgment I feel from my ex reading something, or the way I miss posting about our fabulous life and adventures. It's sad how when you break up, your life splits in half. There are the people who will keep talking to you, and the ones who wont ever again. There are the boyfriends who will remain your friend, and the ones that wont. The ones who will be bitter, the ones who will be understanding. I wish to have one be understanding, calm, mature. To think, I've always dated men well older than me, and have found that with age there certainly is no guarantee of maturity.

I've wanted to express my joy of the last week and a half. My shoot with Chip Willis was amazing, I got to see my sister.. after which there were more adventures of a Harley ride before continuing on to Rochester to shoot with Frank Petronio where we continued to get blasted (or, I did..) and ramble about nonsense, then on to NYC where I first spent a night of tequila and tonic and limes with my super cute high-school BFF. Then, the next day I shot with HR Marshall who was a delight, followed by a date with a young republican (Weird!) who is quite adorable and showed me a City through eyes I've never seen on the wheels of a red scooter.

However, my buzz was killed like a joy ride interrupted by blue and red flashing lights. It's funny how seeing the back of someones stupid head with his stupid long girly grey hair and stupid matching button-up that fits him oh-so-well.

And another back-view of curly brown hair. Not so stupid, though...

Part of me believes that my ability to do dumb things makes me tough. Or, how he's put it, "punk rock". Yet punk rock died with strung out hospital visits and suicide. Part of me believes these irrational movements of mine are romantic and charming. But look at me, here, sitting alone, writing for the world to see. And because I stopped caring, that, too is punk rock and romantic. Stupid "punk rock" because I sat out there for hours, waiting. Romantic because I was too sensitive to go the extra step to act like a crazy bitch. I watched them go in. I watched his bedroom light go on. I wrote a letter and folded it up like I was in highschool and left it on the stoop. I thought about his crazy down-stairs neighbor picking it up and I almost hope she did, just to create an extra dynamic.

Always dramatic.

And suddenly I'm not over him. I'm crazy and pounding and terrified and aching. I am not stupid, though. I knew from the beginning. I knew from the middle, and the End.

Bury yourself in photography, Meagan. Bury yourself.

But, Still

So last week I went out to Columbus to shoot with Chip.. we'd been planning it for a while, and I decided to convince Melody to come visit me, since Columbus is more than half way to where she's staying with our grandparents in Michigan. I've missed her and we're finally able to reconnect after a long time of being in different universes. Ends up, Chip shot both of us, which was fan-fucking-tastic, and I'm elated at all of the images. Two days of driving around, shooting, laughing. We had a great time, and even our "behind the scenes" photos are great. I really love this one, it makes me feel happy and free and girly. Chip kept saying, "higher! Again!" and I was reminded of Avedon. Chip challenged me the first time we shot, and continued to do so, which is so much fun. I love working with photographers who I adore and who push me to do my best, and to work to get where they want me to be.

Once again, all outfits provided by miss Holly Ross, of Thriftwares.com. As usual.

Next is shooting with Frank Petronio tomorrow, which I'm also excited about. He's a little drama queen but that's part of the fun. I'm stoked to see his new camera, too.

After that, down to NYC for a couple of days, FINALLY! Working with yet another photographer who I really respect, though I only work with that type, anyway. Holly's putting together fucking fabulous outfits and I am really really excited about them. One includes a sequence bra top that I had to beg her to get, and damn, sure am happy she did.

Furs are also on the list, and I plan on wearing one (a different one every week, as Holly sells them, most likely) all winter long, and am totally prepared to catch a tun of flack for it. To me, furs are meant to be worn. I mean, sure it's a little fucked up to be wearing a bunch of little cute bunnies, minks, foxes, or beavers, but I don't care... they're so fucking... luxurious! I feel like a fucking rock star, yo.

Besides all that, I'm regretfully putting down my cameras after I shoot the rest of my 120 film. Sadly, the Rolleiflex that I've been borrowing from a very generous photographer, has been recalled by said owner. I almost cried when I read the email, but I could feel it approaching, I've known it was getting to that time. I mean, I've had it for a long time. But I will cherish it while I have it!

That film is the last film I have. I can't afford more, and I can't afford to get the rolls I have shot developed. So I am forced to not shoot. Instead I will start scanning old stuff that I haven't scanned, and working on trying to fanangle my way into making cd's (like I keep saying..).

I want to backpack Europe with Melody so I plan on working my ass off through the winter. Which is good, it'll keep me from being all winter depressed, which happens every year. I'm putting off finding said other jobs so that I can do things like run around naked for Chip and go play dress-up with Frank and be fabulous in NYC. Stupid, irresponsible, but fucking fun.

But through all the ups and downs and trials and tribulations and heart aches and frustrations... I still love being me. I love modeling and I love taking pictures. Somehow, modeling always makes me feel better, more alive and part of something. Being able to take a piece of my personality, a feeling or mood, and be able to have that directed by a photographer into a photo that'll say something, connects somehow, makes me feel... appreciated, exposed, liked, curious, active... useful. And I learn so much every time.

Another by Chip.

Waiting

I've almost completely moved into my new apartment. It's bigger, though I have to give up my claw foot tub. I'm about to come upon a good week, a busy week. Two modeling shoots with two favorites. I'm letting my camera down, but not out of finger's reach. Nothing's happening right now. I've asked many people to model for me, and gotten no responses. So I will wait, and take the time to let my mind sit and be bored for once. I need to fester for a second, to just simmer. Recollect and build up what ever it is that I'm building up to do.

To wait.

I know this next week will spring me into action. I am an addict to modeling, I just feel better when I'm doing it regularly. Maybe it has something to do with my overspilling emotions that are constantly haywire and my desire to expose myself, share myself, express myself.

Either that or I'm a vein self centered egotist.

One or the other for sure, though.

Change and more Change

The past reminds me of a taste or smell, always different, always the same. A photo or a place or person may trigger it. A sense of familiarity that has come and gone. Familiar in the sense that it was familiar, and that something else is familiar now. Smell or taste in a way that is almost there but not quite.

It's hard to grasp, sometimes, how different my life changes so often. A month ago I was happy in the arms of a man who loved me. Eight months ago I was terribly miserably alone and depressed. I was in school, I was in a shitty apartment, I had a strange relationship with a man, I was ostracized from my family, I had many friends, a summer of sunshine and wine and whiskey.

People come and go, things change so much.

I must move out of Utica. I must. I feel stifled here. Stuck. Uncreative.

Every time I get in my car and drive anywhere, my head starts ticking about everything going on in my life. It's meditative. Like doing laundry or the dishes or taking a shower. I think about my ex's and why they're ex's. I think about sex, about self control. About where I want to go, physically and mentally. I think about what I want to shoot next. What I'll write in my blog later.

Which has, over the years, become morre and more difficult for me to write anything meaningful. Lately also in my paper journal, which I haven't touched much since sitting in a particularly lovely kitchen in Brooklyn pining away with my pen about how perfect my relationship was, how wonderful and scary the City is. But those days have passed.

Now it's all random adventures. Lastnight I got blasted and fell down some stares. I look like I was in a car accident or my non-existant boyfriend beat the fuck out of me. Drunken Battle Wounds. Holly managed to bust her toe, and nether of us know how. Maybe it was that walk home, who knows.

Recently I'm interested in shooting normal people.. or, I should say, re-interested. I got distracted by fashion and spoiled by New York City models. So I'll continue shooting Miss Holly (featured above) while she paroozes the north-east and works her self into the ground, and hopefully more of the cute boys sauntering around the neighborhood.



I'm rusty, but I'll get there. MVCC is opened back up for their spring semester and while they don't need anyone to work there, I'm going to show my face as often as possible and pull on my Teacher Pet skills to develop my film there. And soon a friend will be handing over a scanner, which will be so fabulous I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't imagine the glory of being able to scan in my apartment.

I asked a super cute girl to model for me today. I hope she emails me cause she gives me girl crush/ photo crush goosebumps. Usually I'm nervous when I ask strangers to shoot with me, but I have to do it living in Central New York, though this time it didn't phase me at all. She just said yes, too, without even knowing what kind of photography I do.

Could you imagine if I were Chip or James or Chris Bush? Hahaaa.

Enough rambling. Sorry, no tits.

Lurkers

Frank took this months ago while I was shooting Jessalyn. He's selling prints of it which I think is pretty cool cause I get a couple bucks, too. Plus which, I like the thought of me half naked with a camera floating around in people's possesions rather than just on the internet.

Anyway, I know there are people who read my blog, yet no one comments. Am I that fucking boring? Anyone have any topic suggestions? haha

Oh, and anyone know why my little site tracker thing isn't letting me stalk who's coming here? Grrrrrr

Distraction

Today Holly and I spent the day thrifting. We're hours from home and are staying in a hotel, getting up early tomorrow and putting another day in. Her job is fun, and it's nice to tag along and rummage through stuff trying to find something that she thinks is cool enough for her store. It's hard, though, cause she's really picky. But it keeps my mind active and away from all my stresses, which is the best thing for me right now. She's great company, even though she's a female version of you-know-who.

I can never sleep before two, and I was headfirst "in the bag" lastnight and still was able (somehow) to get up at 8:30 to start our adventure. She'll be waking me up at seven tomorrow, so I was hoping to get to sleep by midnight, but obviously that's not working.

Planning my days is the easiest way to barrel through my problems, otherwise I end up sleeping and being useless. Which is, well, useless. Besides, I just love my moleskine planner.

I love traveling though! So this is fun. And her car is new - the air conditioning works and everything!

Judgments

If you think for one hot second that you understand me, you're just foolish.

Scavengers

Lately I've been pretty good about making my own food, and as cheaply as possible. I get things like american cheese singles, turkey lunch slices, eggs, salsa, canned soup, corn, potatoes, salsa. And then I create new ways to mix them all together to get something decent. Instead of a regular turkey and cheese sandwich, I fry the turkey and then put it in a grilled cheese. Today I fried some potatoes with salsa and scrambled eggs and put cheese on top. It's not so bad. As a general rule, though, I like the food I make myself over anything I can get around here. Now, when I'm in or around the City, that's a whole different world. I've never had so much good food as when I visit there. God damn, I love good food.

The internet has been boring the shit out of me lately, so I've been reading. Currently: All The Pretty Horses. It's pretty good. I started it the day before yesterday and I'm halfway through. I've got a whole stack of books I've been wanting to read, but "no time" to do it. Now I definitely have some time. I think I may try to find a job taking care of horses, no lie. I'm sick of dealing with drunk retards and power-tripping bosses. Besides, I really don't give a fuck about taking photos at the bar.. I tried to give a fuck but I just don't.

Horses on the other hand!! I know it's been done and done and done but who fucking cares. I want some pretty horse pictures of my own. ;)

The Dip

The life rollercoaster has really plunged. When life is good, it's really good. And vise versa. It's just one thing after another.

This was from 11th grade. My mouth looks funny because it's full of metal. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that life. At least my problems were simple. Psychotic family. Lack of friends or boyfriend. Bad social skills. I spent a lot of my time online and taking pictures of my friends and them taking pictures of me. I wish I could dig them up, but they're on my computer that I had then, which is now at my grandmother's. Maybe I'll take a trip out to visit her and snag it before she decides to get rid of it or give it to my mother or something, and then I loose all those, and that would suck.