Tuesday, September 30, 2008


The last couple of weeks have been a haze of days running into eachother. I have so much to do, so much I want to do, but am lacking inspiration. I feel trapped. Useless. The eye of the storm, calm around a fury of emotions and thoughts and desires. So often lately I feel this way, and I thought with age this immature spurts of depression and hiding from the world would go away. For the first time, I feel caught between girl and woman, entering that time when I have to leave my careless days behind me, buckle down and put my nose to the grindstone. But it's hard, without inspiration.. Drifting, waiting...

But forcing myself out of bed early to get things done; mentally challenging myself, cleaning, reading, writing, planning photo things.. Is a good thing. Recoop, I guess.

What exactly is it that makes a person decide to do things that aren't in her best interest? This boggles my mind a bit.

And it's not like my life is so bad. I know this. But I am selfish and I want more. More from myself and my life. Which should be cherrished and not wasted and I should use what I have to make myself the best I can. End of story.

Get yerself together, Meg.


brooke lynne said...

"What exactly is it that makes a person decide to do things that aren't in her best interest?"

I thought it was interesting how Fyodor Dostoevsky explores this in his "Notes from Underground" published in 1864. It's a crazy read, but it sure gets you thinking. This is only a short excerpt, and it was as 'to the point' as I could find.

"...An educated and enlightened man cannot knowingly desire something disadvantageous to himself; that this is mathematics. I entirely agree - it is indeed mathematics. But I repeat to you: there is only one occasion, one only, when man may purposely, consciously choose for himself even the harmful and the stupid, even the stupidest thing - just so that he will have the right to wish the stupidest thing, and not be bound by the duty to have only intelligent wishes. For this most stupid thing, this whim of ours may really be more advantageous to us than anything on earth, especially in certain cases. In fact, it may be the most advantageous of all advantages even when it brings us obvious harm and contradicts the most sensible conclusions of our reason concerning our advantage. Because at any rate, it preserves for us the most important and most precious thing - our personality, our individuality, our free will."

Ash said...

Go down to a local book store... or the library. Get yourself a nice little (size of a kid's short story) book called MR PALOMAR by Italo Calvino. It's an amazing book to change the way you think. It's pretty heavy reading in places though.

mojokiss said...