Saturday, October 1, 2011

bored, bored, bored

Sometimes I just want to scream, I want someone to really hear me and it seems no matter what I do, every work that comes out of my mouth or fingers falls on deaf ears- am I not saying the right thing? Are my words falling together incoherent and desperate? Why is it so hard to find someone to hear me? God, I know it's not just that- I want someone who I want to listen to just as much, I want someone who holds my attention. I could scream at people I care about to listen because I feel like they are lacking, my phone lies unused day after day, facebook is dead, email is dead, everything is fucking dead and I went from 100 to zero and I'm left trying to concentrate on my limbo, of my putting shit together one day at a time, and it's hard- I work better in a wreck, a chaos and I'm stranded among my own thoughts and few possessions, memories haunting and emotions licking like fire across my chest where it feels so heavy with addiction and not of cigarettes and booze like I'd think, but of inspiration and love and passion and stimulation. I am bored, I am so bored and mostly I sit here in my room thinking about all the things I have to do to become unbored, to move forward, yet I let my heartbreak lead my days into nights, wasting away with dream tortured sleep and the never ending flow of unanswered questions- questions upon myself and everything and everyone I know. Why is life so difficult? that is what I've found to be true above all else, it is difficult. And am I as self centered and terrible as some people think I am? Christ, I hope not, but if I am I suppose it's time to consider that an option and adjust accordingly.... Ever fixing myself. Ever bettering myself. I am confused, constantly.

Shit, I think I just need therapy.

3 comments:

Lensnapper said...

Hey doll, this time of year up here (remember?) gets into the cooler gloomy rainy days of autumn which takes many into a pseudo depression. Along with all that negative shit is the foliage and crisp beautiful days as well. And yep, it sure as hell helps to have loved ones around to enjoy it with. You do ya know. (have them around)

benjaminORart said...

you may be bored, but that still doesnt mean im not impressed with you VOLUME of work. I just check out your Tumbler page..etc. and have looked at your photography a while back...you production level seems to be healthy! And hopfully our artist paths cross one day...upstate natives!..ur in the city right? i lived 3 years in bed stuy brooklyn with monkey. so i envy the energy that is freely at hand in that area....

benjaminORart said...

you may be bored, but that still doesnt mean im not impressed with you VOLUME of work. I just check out your Tumbler page..etc. and have looked at your photography a while back...you production level seems to be healthy! And hopfully our artist paths cross one day...upstate natives!..ur in the city right? i lived 3 years in bed stuy brooklyn with monkey. so i envy the energy that is freely at hand in that area....