Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Ignore my Sniveling

It's almost eleven and I don't know what I've done since dinner. Laid down for a bit, but other than that, suddenly I find the hours ticking by and nothing's getting done, nothing's happening. It's like I'm frozen, waiting for what to do to come to me. I have a couple options but nothing seems quite right, and here I am staring at photographs of my life and nicknacks from childhood. There are things to do, there are things I must do, but I can't seem to do them. I feel like sleeping would be better, I feel like junk food would be good, too, but that requires getting up and going across the street, that requires spending money I don't have to spend. God, money, what a pain in my ass. If I had money, oh the things I would do. But I guess that's what separates people. Have the will to make what you want happen. I feel I'm in a rut, a bad bad rut I can't pull out of. The Nothing is getting to me, swallowing me whole and mostly I don't even care. I don't really talk to anyone anymore, I'm bored with the internet- yet at the same time, I still don't read, I guess I've been writing a bit more, taking some pretty pictures but my depths are not being reached. Everything's skimming the surface and I'm just laying here, watching time pass, breathing through my sufferings. I want to talk but I don't know the words, I don't have the right ears, nothing comes out most of the time. Fragments, then, when they do. Fragments of stories, fragments of feelings, fragments of my life and I'm wondering if I've totally cracked this time... I wish I knew the answers, I wish I knew what to do for once.

2 comments:

semi234 said...

Make a list, silly.

This may not specifically help you but during the vast stretch last year when I was unemployed, pumping out resumes & applications, & feeling like nothing was still being accomplished, I had to force myself to leave the house if for nothing else than to break up the monotony.

In the grand scheme of things, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

zoedillinger said...

you just push one little push at a time til it becomes habit...your state of mind quite mirrors mine