Sunday, September 18, 2011

Jane Eyre

I've just watched the movie... and it's made me cry just as the book did, when I read it a few years ago. It's so romantic, and heartbreaking. Her patient and diligent love, her humble and quiet demeanor.

I feel like I'm constantly searching out this love to have, to put my heart into. Sometimes I think my cigarette addiction is nagging at my heart, and so I would smoke, and it doesn't fix it- I become restless and tearful and wonder why- and it's the same as it's always been: Heartache. Heartache not for the love lost, but for the love never had. So badly do I want to have it, only to be ever denied. Once and a while I think I've found it, so I chase and I chase after it, only to have the person of my affections turn from me, and maybe that's my great dilemma, falling in love with those who will not have me. A fear one way or another to demolish any hope of happiness- fear of losing that person, fear of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. Fear of letting them down, so why not destroy it before it gets there, anyway. Maybe one day I'll find someone who will make me calm, someone who will stand through the firestorm that is my defense- it's not fair, it's not something anyone should put up with or endure. Perhaps, even, I will find this calm in myself, God, wouldn't that be nice... Why must I have it in my head to find someone to complete me? Where have I gotten that silly idea stuck in my head. Just as some would like to tame me, there is a part of me that wishes to be tamed but none who I see fit to do so. Lately I think it comes down to me taming myself, and which I've started to do. I can't decide whether it is sad or relieving. A part of me thinks I am giving up on this love, another thinks I am preserving some semblance of that innocent girl who believes so much in that romance. I don't wish to be jaded and broken, but no matter how hard I've tried, I think it's happened...

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