Sunday, May 25, 2008

Rambling of a Lost Soul

It's been a week since my senior show, since I've been completely done with school. It's been two weeks since I picked up my camera. It's driving me nuts. And while I'm relieved that Miss Model Sarah is coming to visit me (not only because she's a friend, but model, too), I don't know what to do with her. I don't know what to do with anyone. I am extremely uninspired. I need to get out of Utica. I feel trapped, I feel caged and forgotten.

I feel like making friends, or general getting-to-know-someone is very hard for me. Lately I feel like I assume people don't like me, it's been brought to my attention that I don't smile so much. When I'm happy I feel like a social butterfly. But I am not happy.

But I am doing my laundry today, which is good. And my friends Pete and Val are having a cookout tonight and I'm going to that... which means I'll see a bunch of people I know. Which means I'll show up and look super cute and not talk to anyone and eat amazing food and smoke a lot of cigarettes.

Something else that has been brought to my attention is this: Everyone has an opinion about people they know.. what they're thinking, why they act how they act, what kind of person they are. I often feel like I'm misread and I feel like people think I misread them. However, I think that I am actually misread, and that anyone who might think I am misreading them are wrong and are actually denying the fact that they are a certain way. And, I fear that I am in denial. That I've just sat and thought way too much about what I do or who I am that I have no answers or no direction.

And how is it that some people are so stupid and some people aren't? What makes a person too "stupid" for me to talk to? Why are some people closed minded, and others not? Why are some people generally bubbly and some people generally miserable? Why do I feel that I am meant to do something impactual, something bigger than Gouverneur or Watertown or Utica or even NYC or any city? Why do I think I'll always be alone, or I'll always be angry or I'll never sit still?

The only thing that is reliable is my photography and my ambition to make a life with it, yet I don't know where I'm going with it. Who am I talking to, why does it matter? I learned when I was little that, "it is better to say nothing and be thought a fool, than say say something and confirm it". But I also learned that by asking questions of other people, you learn in a different way than if you go find the answer yourself. The more you find answers alone, the more alone you are, because you're not connecting with anyone in order to share your discoveries.

I don't want to be a hermit, I want to be a traveling magician.

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