I See Evil

I see evil in me.

All my life I've been the "Evil Twin" and it has a just place as a title for me. There is anger in me that is on constant simmer, waiting for a spark of more heat to fuel a raging destructive path. I daydream about torturing girls that tick against said bomb and have flash fantasies of doing generally destructive and hurtful things. I snap at the smallest annoyance - although I only do this to people who are closest to me (mostly boy-friends). Biting my tongue is something I've tried to learn, but it's so hard! My brain to mouth function lacks grace and has been the downfall of all my relationships with everyone. I see red. I shake with fury.

I'm glad I'm a woman.

However, somehow, I'm told I'm sweet. I'm kind. I'm a good person.

Sometimes I wonder if my kindness is only my inner Beast plotting an easier way of living. I can't decide if I care too much or too little. I am conscious of everything I do. How I look and act, my meanness and my sweetness. Conscious chaos. Conscious disaster. Reckless calculating.

I see Evil in me.

Melody

Almost every frame I took of this set is great. We finally were on the same page, I saw it on her face when I got excited how it encouraged her to keep going. I haven't let her open up to me photographically.. I guess because I expect it not to be an issue. It made me feel really really good when she told me that she loves the pictures, that she feels like these are pictures that show her personality, who she is.

Great success!

Yay.

I love Women, I love NYC

Two things that rarely fail to push me to be inspired: Beautiful women and NYC. And together? Shit, fahgetaboutit. I love the small curves of women; in their neck, fingers, mouth. I find myself blatantly and shamelessly staring at pretty girls, admiring and holding their image in my mind, figuring out an angle, slowly piecing together a photo that slips together bit by bit. It's fascinating and I love it.

There's this girl I met (from Model Mayhem), who I hung out with and talked to for many many hours; over coffee, lunch, drinks. Which meant I was free to look at her as much as I wanted, excused in the expectation of intimate watching as we exchanged stories after stories (as girls will do). It really was so terribly nice, watching her expressions, her moments of intense talking and then peaceful calmness. She'd get this look in her eyes while holding mine, her mouth set and she'd let whatever small tragedy she was sharing with me pass - as if to say, "shit happens". And, of course, burst out in passionate oppinionated and very expressive banter about god knows what.

And suddenly I understand the idea of Muse.

But that thought, of shamelessly observing, that to me is wonderful. How often is a person allowed to actively admire a gorgeous person face to face? Women, indeed, are meant to be admired for their beauty. Somehow because I have a passion for my cameras, and I am female as well, this makes it okay, right? Or maybe it's my shameless adoration for charming girls. Which, by the way, I know a few. Lucky meee!

So. My miserable winter depression is breaking, New York let me fall in love with life again, and the six beautiful girls I got to share company with made me hopefull that I am not an untallented photographer. I got my closure with an ex, I got to kiss a pretty girl, I was free and had fun, I got naked in a park, I came home and was taken on a date and got to kiss him, too.

I'm BACK!


by Marko Cecic-Karuzic

Change in the Air

I haven't been shooting.

I have, however, made my sixth move in the last four years, finally out of that hell hole armpit of New York state: Utica. My uhaul brought me only an hour away, to Syracuse, but it's new, and it's not Utica. I can't stress that enough. Perhaps what finally got me out was being evicted.. or perhaps it was the promise I made to a friend to get out of that shit hole by March in exchange for this beautiful camera. A strange promise, and surely wholy for my benifit; kindness from a stranger. Well, near stranger. Months ago, when this 'promise' was made, it was put in my head that March was some sort of catilis. The idea snuck in my head that if I didn't get out, I didn't deserve this camera, which I grew to love - thus not deserving to be any sort of recognizable photographer or maybe even an ambitious person, period.

Sometimes I think all you need to do is hold a want in your mind strong enough, and the world will yeild if your desire is strong enough. I didn't know how I was going to get out. Thank-you Melody for visiting for a week and partying with me enough to piss off my landlord. Thankyou Vinnie, my landlord, for not putting up with my careless bullshit, even if it really pissed me off.

Thankyou Sanders McNew, for the selfless push to someone you barely know. I am in your dept.

On a different thought.. My last move a little over a year ago, I left half of my belongings behind in the frenzy. This time, I did also. I have no furnerature. I have a bedroom full of simple pleasures: bed, tv, movies, books, decorations and photos to keep me reminded of the things I love. I have a small storage space with my dresser, my sisters dresser, bags of clothes and six boxes of photo shit. I've put all of my negatives away - I'm done with all of that for now, I hate most all of it. Time to move forward.


New city, new people, new apartment, new neighborhood, restraunts, bars, stores, grocery store, routine, YAY!

My Work Is Shit

I hate it all.

Well my "recent" shit, because that's what it is- shit. Though in all fairness I haven't been shooting much, and the winter depresses me. But I was so determined to shoot in the snow, the beautiful upstate New York winter. But I can't do it, apparently. I'm stuck in my apartment, stuck in misery. Like every winter. Spring is my savior. February is the bane of my existence.

So I'm gathering all my polaroids and putting them in order. They go something of the order of Prosper, Nate/Nell, single/Prosper, single, Jaime/Sarah, single/Holly, James and company, single/holly/etc. Or something like that. It's hard putting them in order, particularly the two years flopping back and forth with Prosper, I mean, he wore the same fucking outfits all the time. Melody's hair length and style helps, though.

anyway, along with those polaroids, and my "photography" and other snapshots I'm putting together the ultimate Utica scrapbook. My life in the last four years. I'm doing it for me. Since I was about ten I have taken pictures and gotten photo albums with the intentions of keeping them going, up to date. And never did that, so I suppose now is a good time to do that.

So much has happened.

Some Random

- I had no idea that finding black nylon/polyester rope would be so difficult

- 25 feet isn't much

- Glory be to fearless and trusting friends/girls

- I started taking birth control and it's making me even MORE emotional, if that's possible. Less, though, with the anger, more with the wanting-to-cry-for-no-reason

- One can only be a daily-blog-visit sort of person if you update daily (like Chip).

- If I don't go develop these rolls soon, I'ma die.

- How many cameras do YOU see in the above photo?

Weddings

I got back a bunch of stuff from Holly's wedding. The above photo is actually from her birthday, a few days before her Big Day. She never smiles with her teeth showing in pictures which drives me nuts, so this photo has a special place in my heart, seeing it's the only part of her face that you look at - and her bloody knuckles.

Shooting weddings is terrrribly hard! I learned a lot by doing her's, I just wish it wasn't my first one - that and once again I am terribly reminded that I need a digital.

This was the first time I used my new Olympus, but unfortunately it doesn't work as well as the other one I had. Must be slightly different? I don't know. Maybe the other one was just magical. I think I'll stick with shooting high speed black and white with it, anyway.

I'm just dying with the itch to photograph someone properly. I've been adding girls on myspace around the Utica area, anyone who looks decent. I don't care, I just want to shoot SOMEONE, which apparently is very difficult up here. I'm glad I didn't take advantage of my time in the city when I was able to go down all the time, though I do miss all the beautiful girls willing to hop infront of my lense!

End of the Year

by ellen von unworth

So I'm gonna go right ahead and say in the next year I'm incorporating BDSM and kink into most, if not all, of my photography. I'll just skip the pretense that I'm not, like, one of the more perverted girls around. Sex, fetish, bondage for everyone!

Any first takers?

Besides all that, today is the last day of 2008 and I'm pretty sure I'm ready for a new year. This past one hasn't been that bad, I've learned a lot, grown a lot, traveled a lot. I've taken a lot of pictures and met a lot of really great people.

Last year at this time I was chasing after dick and living in a shit hole. I was getting my apartment broken into and dealing with a slumlord. I wasn't speaking to my family and I was friendless, loveless and mopey.

Today I think I'm poorer, and I have no idea where I'll be living in the next couple of weeks, but I have a couple great friends, a fun job, a loving family, a heart full of hope and a holster of cameras.

I am on the prowl.

by cellina von mannstein

Extreme

Meagan --

[adjective]: Extremely extreme!

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Sometimes I feel like my wings are tightly bound, others; stretched and ready to fly, and once and a while all I feel is the weightless soaring...

James Spader

I love you.

"Men learn to love the person that they're attracted to, and women become more and morre attracted to the person they love"

-James Spader's character "Graham" in Sex Lies and Videotape

You are Mine

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
That defines the meaning of their lives

You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine

There are objects of affection
That can mesmerize the soul
There is always one addiction
That just cannot be controlled

You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
They hold high their prized posession

song by Mute Math
photo by Anthony Garito

Finally, Olympus

Finally! I got my olympus stylus epic in the mail. $40 off of ebay and even came with the case - practically brand fucking new.

And while I adore the cameras that have been given to me by family and close friends, this.. this is the first camera that I bought... well, besides the dozens of polaroids and such, most of which don't work but that I've just collected since I was little to look pretty.

Finally, I shot something today. Finally I have my little camera.

But being evicted is not something to look forward to, especially to kick off the new year and, oh, by the way, Merry Fucking Christmas, Meagan. Christ.

Where do I go? What do I do? Move to Syracuse with Holly, Chicago with Melody, New York City filled with people to photograph, Pittsburgh? Back pack Europe? South America?

How does one pick up and move with a month notice?



Above is a shot of Melody, intended to be a head shot for her book.. I don't know if I have anything she'll put in it, but the more I look at this one, the happier I am with it. Thanks, Mell, for letting me have it, even if you weren't very happy with me.

There are two people I can always rely on, Mell is one.

King of the Trailer Park

Here's a shot from a while ago, when this foxy thing brought me on a hike. King of the Trailer Park.

I'm hunkering down tomorrow to develop and scan, and am fairly fucking stoked to see what I have. It's hard to shoot up here and hard to find people to shoot, but I try to make do with what I have. I've realized that I have a lot of rolls from months ago that I developed but never scanned - there was a moment there where all I was doing was shooting; mostly with the Olympus Frank gave me before I dropped it one too many times.

Which reminds me: I bought another one on ebay(!). It'll be here in a couple days and I couldn't be more excited. Hopefully it works and is actually the one I think it is. (insert thrilled squeal)

Oh. And I have to move in a month. Suggestions? I need to get the fuck out of upstate New York.

NewwwYork!

Driving into the city never ceases to be exciting. Always astounded at how big it is, how far the huge buildings and lights and cars and people stretch on forever.

My sister is visiting and we're packing her visit stuffed full of fun fun fun!

Above is Sarah, who we hung out with lastnight, which was also fantastic. The picture is from New Years.

weeeeee

Samhain

I was not a cat or a zombie Sarah Palin. I was a gypsie... again. An excuse to walk around with my stomach out and my coin belt and huge hippy skirt. Me and two foxy ladies roamed about looking for adventure but unfortunately didn't come by much of anything, ended at a bar where I proceeded to get housed properly on long island iced teas, woke up confused and that's always pretty telling. But I had a fabulous relaxing day and Holly and I made our Saturday dinner (she's amaazing in the kitchen!), watched a couple movies.

Today is the Celtic pagan holliday Samhain, which is what Halloween is based off of (that an other similar pagan holidays like the Day of the Dead). I always think a lot about my father and what he'd be doing at my age. Every year I'm closer to being the age he was when he died, a mere 26. Along with Samhain being the day dedicated to the last harvest, the end of summer, past loved ones and spirits and Gods being more accessible, it is also the New Year.

I've thought about past loves and futur loves, I had champagne and wondered if it was really possible to talk to the dead, and come to the conclusion that if Jesus can turn water to wine, then surely there are fairies. I threw away his toothbrush and picked my camera back up, too long it's been without it's Master's touch.

I feel like snuggling in for the winter, dreading it yet loving it. My hybernation is coming, someone yell at me, please, if you notice me not shooting.

Halloween!!

God dammit, I love Halloween! My favorite day of the year, hands down.

I can't decide whether to be a Cat or Zombie Palin.

Fuck this shit I need to go get myself a disposable camera for tonight, yes pleaaase.

Ni-ni-niiiiples!

I got my nipples pierced the other day... for free by my friend Andrea who is apprenticing. No one else she knows will let her practice on them because they're all babies. Well, nipples fucking hurt to pierce, if you're wondering. But I loves them, they came out great. I almost backed out but Andrea didn't let me. Good girrrl.

Above is my sister, again, from the same night as the other one in a past entry. Melody will be visiting me soon, which is so exciting for multiple reasons but it means I get a model to shoot! Shooting Melody is like a freebee, or cheating or something, I always get good photos out of her, or maybe I'm biased, or maybe both. I have some 35mm that I know are good, too, but have to wait to scan them. Which, by the way, I'm working something out with my school: I'll model for a class if I can use the sanner, labs, develop... I win!

Ohhh and my main proffessor sent off three of my photos to a state-wide college photo contest in Albany, and they all got in.. we'll be hearing soon about results.

My internet's being a cock sucker or I'd post those pictures, too. Of course, they're of Jessalyn and Cris Ashley. Duhh

Kathryn

This girl, that one, in the middle of the boys, her name is Kathryn. She is a mess. A beautiful dramatic mess. I love photographing her. She hates me, I love her.

These four, they all have such stories. They are that Type, the type who all grew up in the area, bouncing from people to people, group to group, growing up in the same swirl. It's interesting to bombard them with with cameras and my own dramatics to add to the dynamic. Grab some photos, and peace out.

Next!

Except for Her. I want more.

pushing through

Sitting here, my heart filled with pitiful pains and sorrows as if I were sixteen. The same helplessness, the same indecision. I often feel like I'll be stuck in this spot forever, constantly trying to run away from it. I try so hard not to just lay down in my bed and forget the world.

I have a pile of things to do, and no drive to do it.

But at least I have this photo of Melody, a moment of joy pushing through her own sorrows.