Friday, June 6, 2008

Sad Happy

I just got home from work.. a particularly frustrating night consisting of down-pouring rain and standing out in the cold and soaked down to my panties, shivering and standing idol. And while this may sound like a fun adventure (say, if I werren't working and my palm was full of my baby's palm, perhaps with Manhattan glowing over there and six stories up on a roof with my head tilted back; stupid happy and rightly so), it may sound like an adventure but instead it was my boss pulling me aside by the arm and speaking low, if you put a negative energy to these new girls I will cut you so fast and I feel the tears pulling out, my throat tighten like a child. I child who is wet and cold and lonely and truely only wishes to make people happy. I just wanted to close the bar, to at least clean and lift boxes of liquor and work toward something real; make myself useful. Moments later, though, and he's having us do just that, and I find myself wondering how come he couldn't have just said it's okay, we'll get you guys out of the rain, get your bar packed. It makes me feel inhuman, I feel the strength of stoicism and apathy fighting with my passion for life and love and approval. Silly girl. Silly girl who got lost in the world of a man she loves, forgetting that the outside world exists and you have to go back to it. Everything's about ballance. Fuck balance, I just want to do the things that make me happy. Happy is not in Utica, but four hours North-East of here.

I just realized that I'm $30 short of what I should have gotten in tips according to the little slip of paper attached to the wad of ones (yes, they don't even have the decency to change it in for bigger bills). I'm torn between going back to the bar and seeing if they're still there and ask them why, or waiting and doing it tomorrow. My fear is that they'll not trust that it was actually short. Seeing as I'm clearly a liar and a thief.

James took this.. And while it's supposed to say "fuck you" I feel it says a lot of things, "fuck you" being lower on the list.

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