Sad Happy: Part Two

I decided to go now, or, as it were, twenty minutes ago. And while I wasn't shorted $30, I was $2 but decided not to push it, though my desperate frustration at making $53 at the busiest bar in Utica, on the busiest night of the summer, having been the first bartender there to set up and continuing my over-achiever for almost 12 hours was at least happy to find my half pack of damp Camel Lights. This whole situation is tiring, not so much physically, but mentally. It's the idea that you have to clean bathrooms before you get to rightfully assist Richard Avedon. But I don't want to be someone's bitch my entire life, I want to float and be fair and Make A Difference. Unlike whats-his-name in "A Happy Death" where Camus argues his characters for perfect bliss as being free to do nothing. Yet for some strange reason I (and arguably Camus) cannot find peace in being idol. But I stray, perhaps in my want to sound well read. Well fuck that, I am well read, I just read Tristessa. Christ. Art fag. And my fight for Cool Points continues.

James, you are like E. The come-down is really rough. Cept I'm not fucking up my brain, or at least not putting holes in it.

All of this semi-complaining. I don't feel I'm actually complaining, though. I feel it is easier to "publicly" share my thoughts on my frustrating climb through my career-life than it is my love-life.

Which, by the way, is fucking awesome.

But I wouldn't want to jinx it, so I'll leave it at that.

Okay, now I'm tired. Photographing possibly three people tomorrow. Picking up a couple rolls of colour from the other day with the amazing Constanza. Pretty stoked. Sunday I go to the community darkroom that I got a membership for the summer for the huge unreasonable sum of forty dollars. In this respect, I feel on the right step again.

Sigh. He inspires me so.

Constanza:

And while I learned how much I love cross processing with that little point-and-shoot camera, I also learned that it's a hell of a lot cheaper to do it with my half point-and-shoot half slr digital. Not only can I go into photoshop and fuck with it till my heart's content, I can also control the image better.

But film is still so much more gratifying.

Can't. Wait. For. The. Film.

I have so much to do on Sunday! I can't wait to be back in the lab.