Waiting

I've almost completely moved into my new apartment. It's bigger, though I have to give up my claw foot tub. I'm about to come upon a good week, a busy week. Two modeling shoots with two favorites. I'm letting my camera down, but not out of finger's reach. Nothing's happening right now. I've asked many people to model for me, and gotten no responses. So I will wait, and take the time to let my mind sit and be bored for once. I need to fester for a second, to just simmer. Recollect and build up what ever it is that I'm building up to do.

To wait.

I know this next week will spring me into action. I am an addict to modeling, I just feel better when I'm doing it regularly. Maybe it has something to do with my overspilling emotions that are constantly haywire and my desire to expose myself, share myself, express myself.

Either that or I'm a vein self centered egotist.

One or the other for sure, though.

Change and more Change

The past reminds me of a taste or smell, always different, always the same. A photo or a place or person may trigger it. A sense of familiarity that has come and gone. Familiar in the sense that it was familiar, and that something else is familiar now. Smell or taste in a way that is almost there but not quite.

It's hard to grasp, sometimes, how different my life changes so often. A month ago I was happy in the arms of a man who loved me. Eight months ago I was terribly miserably alone and depressed. I was in school, I was in a shitty apartment, I had a strange relationship with a man, I was ostracized from my family, I had many friends, a summer of sunshine and wine and whiskey.

People come and go, things change so much.

I must move out of Utica. I must. I feel stifled here. Stuck. Uncreative.

Every time I get in my car and drive anywhere, my head starts ticking about everything going on in my life. It's meditative. Like doing laundry or the dishes or taking a shower. I think about my ex's and why they're ex's. I think about sex, about self control. About where I want to go, physically and mentally. I think about what I want to shoot next. What I'll write in my blog later.

Which has, over the years, become morre and more difficult for me to write anything meaningful. Lately also in my paper journal, which I haven't touched much since sitting in a particularly lovely kitchen in Brooklyn pining away with my pen about how perfect my relationship was, how wonderful and scary the City is. But those days have passed.

Now it's all random adventures. Lastnight I got blasted and fell down some stares. I look like I was in a car accident or my non-existant boyfriend beat the fuck out of me. Drunken Battle Wounds. Holly managed to bust her toe, and nether of us know how. Maybe it was that walk home, who knows.

Recently I'm interested in shooting normal people.. or, I should say, re-interested. I got distracted by fashion and spoiled by New York City models. So I'll continue shooting Miss Holly (featured above) while she paroozes the north-east and works her self into the ground, and hopefully more of the cute boys sauntering around the neighborhood.



I'm rusty, but I'll get there. MVCC is opened back up for their spring semester and while they don't need anyone to work there, I'm going to show my face as often as possible and pull on my Teacher Pet skills to develop my film there. And soon a friend will be handing over a scanner, which will be so fabulous I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't imagine the glory of being able to scan in my apartment.

I asked a super cute girl to model for me today. I hope she emails me cause she gives me girl crush/ photo crush goosebumps. Usually I'm nervous when I ask strangers to shoot with me, but I have to do it living in Central New York, though this time it didn't phase me at all. She just said yes, too, without even knowing what kind of photography I do.

Could you imagine if I were Chip or James or Chris Bush? Hahaaa.

Enough rambling. Sorry, no tits.

Lurkers

Frank took this months ago while I was shooting Jessalyn. He's selling prints of it which I think is pretty cool cause I get a couple bucks, too. Plus which, I like the thought of me half naked with a camera floating around in people's possesions rather than just on the internet.

Anyway, I know there are people who read my blog, yet no one comments. Am I that fucking boring? Anyone have any topic suggestions? haha

Oh, and anyone know why my little site tracker thing isn't letting me stalk who's coming here? Grrrrrr

Distraction

Today Holly and I spent the day thrifting. We're hours from home and are staying in a hotel, getting up early tomorrow and putting another day in. Her job is fun, and it's nice to tag along and rummage through stuff trying to find something that she thinks is cool enough for her store. It's hard, though, cause she's really picky. But it keeps my mind active and away from all my stresses, which is the best thing for me right now. She's great company, even though she's a female version of you-know-who.

I can never sleep before two, and I was headfirst "in the bag" lastnight and still was able (somehow) to get up at 8:30 to start our adventure. She'll be waking me up at seven tomorrow, so I was hoping to get to sleep by midnight, but obviously that's not working.

Planning my days is the easiest way to barrel through my problems, otherwise I end up sleeping and being useless. Which is, well, useless. Besides, I just love my moleskine planner.

I love traveling though! So this is fun. And her car is new - the air conditioning works and everything!

Judgments

If you think for one hot second that you understand me, you're just foolish.

Scavengers

Lately I've been pretty good about making my own food, and as cheaply as possible. I get things like american cheese singles, turkey lunch slices, eggs, salsa, canned soup, corn, potatoes, salsa. And then I create new ways to mix them all together to get something decent. Instead of a regular turkey and cheese sandwich, I fry the turkey and then put it in a grilled cheese. Today I fried some potatoes with salsa and scrambled eggs and put cheese on top. It's not so bad. As a general rule, though, I like the food I make myself over anything I can get around here. Now, when I'm in or around the City, that's a whole different world. I've never had so much good food as when I visit there. God damn, I love good food.

The internet has been boring the shit out of me lately, so I've been reading. Currently: All The Pretty Horses. It's pretty good. I started it the day before yesterday and I'm halfway through. I've got a whole stack of books I've been wanting to read, but "no time" to do it. Now I definitely have some time. I think I may try to find a job taking care of horses, no lie. I'm sick of dealing with drunk retards and power-tripping bosses. Besides, I really don't give a fuck about taking photos at the bar.. I tried to give a fuck but I just don't.

Horses on the other hand!! I know it's been done and done and done but who fucking cares. I want some pretty horse pictures of my own. ;)

The Dip

The life rollercoaster has really plunged. When life is good, it's really good. And vise versa. It's just one thing after another.

This was from 11th grade. My mouth looks funny because it's full of metal. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that life. At least my problems were simple. Psychotic family. Lack of friends or boyfriend. Bad social skills. I spent a lot of my time online and taking pictures of my friends and them taking pictures of me. I wish I could dig them up, but they're on my computer that I had then, which is now at my grandmother's. Maybe I'll take a trip out to visit her and snag it before she decides to get rid of it or give it to my mother or something, and then I loose all those, and that would suck.

Plans

Yesterday I followed Holly around to thriftstore to thriftstore. She was hunting for inventory for Thriftwares, I was along for the ride, and then became on the prowl for two things: An Olympus (like I had before, the one I took the above shot with) and an older copy of A Clockwork Orange (seeing as I inadvertently fucked up a friend's copy). I found neither, however, I did find four wicked cool polaroid cameras (What the fuck is a film disk?).

Dammit, I really miss that Olympus. I must have another one.

Oh - and I've decided with all my spare time I'd walk around aimlessly with the Rolleiflex. I've got a lot of spare days where I don't work (which I'm working on changing) and I get stir crazy. Yesterday I photographed some random guy in a parkinglot. I feel my journalistic side ticking.

I've also recently decided "Fuck New York City" but that's only because I'm scared and poor. But the up side is, is that winter will be here soon enough, and portraits against a snowy winter wonderland is a staple I must have in my portfolio. I swear to god, over hell and high water, I will force myself to shoot throughout the winter. Every year I go into hibernation, I mope, I shiver and hide under seven pounds of blankets.

Ohhh God, I hate the cold.

Lookit me, August and I'm fretting over winter. But I know this is valid because I'll be seeing snow in less than three months.

Think snow scapes, think skiing, think snow angles, think children, think sparkling icicles.

Aright, now back to warm. Think bright sunlight, think fields of sunflowers, think lazy rivers, think barefoot.

Hey, I like this game.

oh, and I'm abandoning color film for a hot second.

What doesn't Kill us...

One day I will feel proud of who I am and what I'm doing,
One day I will have mastered my strengths and weaknesses.
Until then,
What doesn't kill us,
Makes us stronger.

Only Boring people get Bored

Or so I thought until I had nothing to do since Sunday. I was supposed to work at the bar tonight but mysteriously I'm not on the schedule. I guess because drama went down at the other bar they own a few towns over, they lost their liquor license because of noise or some shit? Anyway, those bitches apparently got president over me. Pifft. I made a big dramatic stink to the manager and he laughed and so did I and then I left.

Oh well. I was stoked about working because I have had nothing to do. I'm tempted to stop by there later, but it's always a mob fest filled with douchebags down on that street on thursdays because of this huge Saranac Thursdays where the brewery opens up every week with cheep prices on Saranac beers and a band. Brings out all the young crowd. Rude. Obnoxious. Don't tip. Et cetera.

Fridays are way better. Older crowd. I love me the older crowds.

I guess I'll spend tonight like I've spent the last three nights. Editing and cleaning. I think I've lost some brain cells. If I could scan, at least I could see some new stuff. But I'm forced to go back and edit all my older work, which I need to do anyway.

But still. I'm going stir crazy.

Above is the first of many of Sam. A fully wardrobe-styled shoot with five different looks by none other than Holly Ross. Makes me feel all special.

Next: Makeup artist
Next: Hair stylist

Let me fluff my feathers as I gloat about having my own wardrobe stylist at my fingertips. Not to mention she's fucking awesome as a general rule.

Whatever. Back to... editing...

Luxury

I'm pretty sure that my favorite time of day is dawn. It's fucking amazing. The colours, the air, the quiet... I wish I were up more often at this time. And not from staying up all night, though that has it's charm, too.

However, my favorite colour is the the colour of leaves being hit by bright afternoon sun. God damn, it's glorious.

So I've decided that I'm going to start taking bubble baths every day that I'm home, and try to read every day for at least an hour. This is in moving my daily life to be more relaxing and productive. It's productive to indulge in a bit of luxury, particularly bubble baths! Ahh, love. And I have a KILLER claw-foot tub in probably one of the best bathrooms you ever did seeeee.

Later today I'm working on developing a nice pile of black and white film, which I'm stoked about. woot-woot.

Building a Scrapbook

I keep talking about this scrapbook idea (well, maybe just to James), and I wish I'd start it, already. The more I use this silly fuji finepix bullshit, the more I love it. I took it with me to the bar when a bunch of fabulous people were in there all at the same time. One of them being Nerlande, featured above. The headless shoulder is none other than Gary Breckheimer, who I just met and is right up there with Ner in the super-awesome category (though obviously she's way cooler). ;)

Had a great time in the city. Again.


I've been planning to move to Brooklyn for two years now.


Have you ever gone back to a city you haven't lived in for a while? It's like stepping into your past, seeing who you were and what you were doing. I feel nothing but ghosts from the past towns and cities I've lived in. But at one point I felt wary of each as I let go of that life and got tangled in the next. I feel that wary (or maybe weary) of Utica, but New York City makes me excited. Driving there feels like moving forward.

And I have driven into Manhattan across the George Washington bridge and snaked my way down the FDR to the Brooklyn bridge so many times now, and crossing that first bridge and watching the buildings raise to the sky, it still makes me feel light and inspired and giddy.

The city is seducing me.

(still really scary, though)

I feel like every time I move, I evolve.

Equations

This is the shot I took of Melissa almost three years ago.

Here's the one I took yesterday-



"You look like you're doing math."
-Melissa Ayala

She's a student,
And studies constantly.
She's scared of bugs,
And squeals and makes a big deal.
She never wears makeup,
And looks best that way.

We've had a long break in our friendship, but it seems like nothing's changed. That's nice. She's never modeled except for with me, but she's unafraid and trusts me. Which is fan-fucking-tastic.

You can see a few more on my flickr

My #1 Fear

Is to never get out of Utica.
It's been especially eating at me today,
for whatever reason.




This is Dan. He works at a mexican place in Syracuse where Holly and I go from time to time. I knew him about five years ago for a couple months while we had mutual friends. But you know how "those things" are (particularly in spontaneous 11th graders traveling an hour and a half away every couple weeks to go party with non-highschoolers), most new friends are fleeting.

This makes me remember how every few years I do a lot of couch sleeping and hopping and ridiculousness. I feel ridiculous now, actually, on the verge of a new stage in my life.

Dan moves to Brooklyn tomorrow.

Jealous.

Oh, and, by-the-way.. The above photo isn't photoshop, it's the result of me fucking up a roll of film. Not too shabby, I'd say. Wouldn't you?

Reason #27 why I love Holly Ross

"I cannot wear flipflops in public."
-Holly Ross

And in response:
"Put that cooch away Meagan"

500 Miles

almost exactly from my house to James'.

While I'm driving I often forget about music, and I often create shoots and blog posts. I make lists, sort issues out and miss people. I admire colours a lot, too. Today I drove home from NYC, and especially admired the clouds. I think blue is my new favorite colour. I've been slowly figuring out my pallet for my photos. Blue tint = yes, red and yellow= no.

Though, for the life of me, I can't remember all the interesting things I wanted to say.

I do know, however, that I have the best fucking boyfriend on the face of the earth.

Besides all that, I have a lot of photo editing to catch up on, which is happiness.

And for the record I'm pretty proud of myself for making my blog look as it does. My html skillz r 4 teh win.

Here is the absolutely beautiful and talented Renee. There's something about her that makes my heart ache.

So Get This:

For the last four years that I've been taking pictures.. I've been of the mindset to NOT bring up photography in conversation or be caught in talking about it, or to encourage others on the topic. There were too many people (four years ago, at least...) who wanted to tell me all they knew about the subject, and assuming I knew nothing.

But apparently something's changed, because the last two nights I've carried my Konica around at work and it's working serious magic. I took pictures of most of the people who work at Hollyrock, which was fun. There's this one girl, Kristin, who is this bitchy loud wonderful italian princess. Long black hair, perfect makeup, short shorts every week and sporting a solid summer tan. She is obnoxious in that I-Love-Her-For-It sort of way, bitchy in that charming way. She had matching purple underwear on today and is a total ham. Of course, naturally, I asked her to model for me.

There is this other bartender (Shelly) who I've never really talked to and, until tonight, have always gotten not stellar vibes from. But she's proven worthy of the limbo stage - even before she asked me "are you Artistic?". To which I didn't know how to answer.

And Get. This.

Some older guy comes up to me while I'm prancing around on the bar with a bottle of liquor in my hands to pour into the mouths of thirsty costomers for a dollar a shot and, after buying one, asks me if I have a blog, and if I'm a photographer. He then continues to tell me how he loves my work, and not only my modeling and photography but my writing as well. Okay okay, so I understand that I'm a cute girl (not to mention I have naked pictures of myself here somewhere) and he may have just been flattering me... but fuck, dude, who doesn't like to be flattered.

I'll take it. I was pretty caught off guard.

Hopefully half-frame photos of all the pretty bartenders who work with me soon.

Someone Please Remind Me

That I should be acting on the photos I see in my head.

There are times when I look at a person and a whole scene plays out for how I want their photo to be. There are also (more recently) where I just know that I'll be able to photograph so-and-so and it'll be dandy. Expectation vs No Expectations. And while I'm a person who believes in the latter, I can't keep myself from the former. Though that isn't to confuse straight up with switchbacks.

But damn, these photos in my head are brilliant, I sayyy

I took my Konica to work tonight and took pictures of a bunch of people. I guessed on the exposure (which I'm getting better at, slowly but surely, though it still worries me) and by the end of the night I had the numbers of a transvestite, three straight girls and two gay boys. All beautiful.

I'm praying that this roll of film comes out fine. While exposure can be fudged to a degree, focus cannot. I think this is why it takes me so long to process film: Scared.

But you can't learn if you don't fuck up, so on with it!

I'm actually just really stoked to see the photos I took of Melanie. The shoot with her was one where I had a vision for her, though I'm sure the best shots are not the one I had in mind. Here's a digital of her, and one she took of me.

Happy Fuckin Birthday

Birthday Highlights:

-Holly gift of a Gunne Sax dress that is just effing perfect (POCKETS!)
-Spastic last minute early flight- I mean drive - to NYC, arriving at Boyfriends with my recently attached-at-the-hip aforementioned friend Holly at 5am.
-Wake up with said boyfriend
-Went on a hunt for a tiara (birthday=princess) (success!)
-Show up to the bar where a friend had reserved the back room with the pool table at 8pm, where (slightly buzzed, naturally) I announce obnoxiously that it's my birthday to the door man and make him check my id again, where he responds by buying me a drink!
-Had an amazing mix of photographer friends (and some people I didn't know but who are none the less fantastic, and friends with James) show up
-Sanders and Melanie gave me a box of 120 film!!! MAH
-I molested a hot girl


- JAMES GOT ME A KONICA HALF FRAME CAMERA!!!!!!


And I had a wonderful time and flitted from friend to friend and have decided that Stacey and her Husband need to have a party. And after, err, going for a walk with Stacey I decided that fun had peeked and it was TTG at 11.

I figure as long as I make it to midnight on my birthday, I am good to go.

I love my birthday. Specially this one.

HELL-OO twenty-two!! hi-ya!

And then the next day I got to shoot Melanie. Fuck yeah. Can't wait to develop the film!