Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year Thoughts

These past days I've been sitting around reading or thrifting or playing with my kid cousins or reading or watching movies and when I get a chance to express myself all I can think is how much I'm going to get done, and what I'm going to get done, in 2013. And it's not like, "oh here is my new years resolutions" it's more like "PREPARE FOR WAR, 2013, CAUSE 2014 IS GOIN DOWN" I don't know whether it's like building the ultimate tree fort in the back yard or what, cause it definitely feels like I'm a kid in D-Z who just discovered how to sneak attack my little brother and shove my sister safely down the slides when no one was looking. It's a childish sort of victory I feel, plotting and planning my route to success... perhaps because it feels so doable, I feel so capable and so sure-footed. I am happy and excited and inspired, every day. So many of these days I say to myself, okay okay, well it's not going to last so you best enjoy it while it does. But then it keeps happening. And I'm like, shit I must be doing something fuckin right because this feels GREAT. The only thing I remember from Sunday School was when they talked about our paths that God has set in front of us, and that when bad shit starts happening, it means we're straying from our path. First of all, before any of you gets weird about anything, I was very conflicted about all that, myself. So I have spent many years returning to this idea. What is God? And who is he to choose what I will do with my life? I have come to the conclusion that while many Christians might want to believe there is a man in the sky, or some singular higher power, I don't think that's what ever was to be. I think God is the collective higher power, whatever that might be. The Universe and it's workings. That being said, since I was a child I have dreamed of being great. I have wanted to be a writer, a traveler, a model and a photographer. I have been a dreamer and desired to be nothing short of Great since I can remember. I want to make a difference, I want to help change the world, I want to see as much of our world as I can and understand as much of it as I can. I want to share beauty and pain, life and death, nature and nurture. And through this desire I have laid my path already. Through this *God* has seen fit to help me on my journey, in my passion and dedication. It is long laid and long strayed, shit has happened and people have helped me where they can. And now, having rolled in the dirt of my own stupidity and rebellion, I can say I see my path clearly. Maybe not too far down it, and certainly not straight or level... But I see it. I fuckin see it.

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