Sleepless

I am sleepless mostly, I mean, until I am exausted. Staying up all night doing god knows what- tonight, last night, I drank with friends thinking it would let me sleep... instead it kept me up with them until late, I think I got a little shut-eye but then suddenly I was realizing something spilled on my iphone and it's all flashing white and now wont turn on. Just my luck. I don't even believe in luck. Honestly, I know I did it to myself. Carelessness. Negative thinking. Now I'm wondering who is up at this hour, and surely, mostly, I am not. Except lately. Staying up all night, sleeping all day. I'm tired and wondering, should I stay up? I don't want to anymore but maybe it's the right choice. Sweet sleep, sweet rest- rest from my mind, the ever wondering and planning, worrying and dreaming. Nothing seems right, as if I'm just waiting for the new year, to start new and be done with whatever I've done this year. Wandering, trying to figure shit out. What will be the purpose of 2011? What will be my new goals? Certainly graduating in May. God, so many obstacles in my way- how will I pay rent? How will I eat? Food, now there's a luxury... It's funny because I feel so good in my new room, all burgundy perfect (it's called "bohemian red" how fitting) and my raised futon with all my summer clothes stored underneath and my draping sheer canopy to make me feel like a princess. The littlest princess. And I'm proud of my bookshelf, all sporting Jane Eyre and Vonnegut and, shit, a tattered Bible that's not mine but I find beautiful. A friend yesterday, who had never seen my room (and no one has seen my room look like I want it to, until lately) says "just as I imagine and artist's room to look like" and I like this idea of me, an artist.

So strange... to think of myself as an artist. a Photographer. I think I like artist better but I wonder how pretentious it is to call myself either of those things, and I don't think I've earned it yet.

yet.

Photo Journalism, C? really??

Miranda chasing after her boyfriend, Dominick

My professor for Photo Journalism gave me a C and I feel it's completely unfair. Okay, maybe not completely, seeing as I didn't exactly do many of the assignments that I was supposed to do- however, most of what I shoot is in a documentary and journalistic sort of way, or at least I think so. So I didn't shoot sports, weather or hard news, so what? I traveled the eastern half of the US as a model and took pictures most of the way- given most everyone hasn't seen most of those pictures, but so what? They're still there, and I let him look through my binders. I've shot more than anyone in the school this year, and have taken the class like five fuckin times. And I know he failed me in the past because he knew I could do so much better. But this time I spent my whole summer with Photo J in mind, and I still get a C. And you know what? That means I loose my State aid. Okay okay so it might also have to do with the Fs I got in my "gym" class and my math class. Stupid stupid stupid.

I guess on principle I feel I deserve at least a B in Photo J, seeing how much I shoot, and that I DO in fact, consider my self a "social documentary portraitists".

Watch, I fuck up so many semesters and crunch time comes along and my last semester will be stellar. I want that degree so bad it hurts.

Model and Photographer

This picture has really nothing to do with this entry, though I'm not entirely sure because, well, I haven't written the entry yet. But look how cute Melody and I are? Could those smiles be any bigger, eyes more squinty or hug tighter?! Naww, didn't thinks so.

We have a lot of problems, her and I, getting along. For multiple different reasons and such, but ultimately I know her and I will be best of friends again sometime soon, when our lives come back together after years of floating in other directions. I look forward to working with her- I want to work together as models and photographers, or some such combination.

After all, she IS the one who showed me how to use my SLR... She is the reason I took photography as a major at all, actually. In Highschool she took photography classes while I was off retaking classes, and she showed talent in it- I liked what she did so I figured that I couldn't be too bad at it, either. We ARE twins, afterall. Besides, it would be a great "backup" plan to modeling, and help me be a better model, too. You know, knowing both sides of the camera.

Fuck, man, what a good move. It's worked out pretty good for me, though is still quite the struggle. I look at all my work (esspecially lately, with the end of the semester just a week away) and I don't really like any of my work. I'm bored of it. And I don't have any one to shoot up here in Utica, NY. I don't want to struggle to get a good shot of someone, I want them to be on the same page as me, know how to move, and be unafraid of the camera.

I want models.

Melody has a lot of model friends. That'd be cool, if I were around all of them. But I'm not crazy about Chicago.. I want to be warm places!

We'll see, we'll see....

First order of business is passing all my classes this semester. Six days....