Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Ceasing to Believe isn't Ceasing to Exist...

I'm watching children's movies and dreaming about love and magic as if they're real. I am split, as I suppose any balanced person should be, between the wonderment of hope and the bitterness of reality. There are no fairies, no santa, no magic wands and special genies. There is no prince Charming. All there is, is little me, waving my arms up from the sea of people doing the same thing, lost in the mass and trying to stick out... But there's something else I'm starting to learn.. that perhaps it's not about sticking out, but finding a place where I'm comfortable, and the attention will come to me in my content and pleasure of my own life, that I will glow. That same idea of when you stop looking, you will find love. I guess I've just never been able to not look. Impossible for me to not wonder if the new cute guy I'm talking to will love me and I him, secretly whispering my name with his last name to see how it sounds in my mouth, picturing our lives old, like all the other dreaming princesses in the world. But is it such a terrible thing to dream about? I don't think so, not at all. But it doesn't seem to be reasonable for me, it doesn't seem to be my path... and I often wonder if I've ever actually been in love. And I wonder about that mystery of a dilemma where a person can fall in love with someone who does not reciprocate. That is most confusing to me... how is it even possible? How could someone feel so strongly and the other not? Are we, as humans, so capable of deceiving ourselves? Are we that desperate to not be alone, to have someone always there, that we will lie until we think it's true?

I'm just a dreamer...

A dreamer who has been trying too hard.

5 comments:

Étienne said...

This entry reflects a lot of what I've been thinking lately, and I'm sure a lot of people are juggling with these questions and ideas trying to find the right path. Is there even a right path?

a meagan sample said...

What does your heart say?

Étienne said...

Sadly I'm never really sure what my heart is trying to say. I can't help but wonder how many of our actions are dictated by mere chemical reactions. Would that really be my "heart" talking?

Étienne said...

Sadly I'm never too sure what my heart is saying. I can't help but wonder how many of our acts are dictated by mere chemical reactions. Would that really be my "heart" talking?

Kept Woman said...

i've always believed in fairies....