Saturday, April 17, 2010


photo by Jaime Ibarra

I'm scared.

Inside, I feel my fingers wringing, twisting, grasping at each-other.
Constantly, I concentrate on my breath and push fears to the side.
However, currently -I feel the panic. The panic of failure, failure in everything.
My little evil demon, he's clinging to my ear, panting out doubt and ridicule in slick acid tones.

I've learned some sense of silence...

There was a time when I would say exactly what was on my mind, without much hesitation.
Now it sticks there, in the back of my throat, unable to move, and with a sigh, is filed away
There was one point, where I always had someone to tell everything.
No, it's not anywhere as easy. There is no one to tell, there are no words to justify me.

Silly me, what was I thinking?

This is a trial.
A trial of strength, determination, dreams, faith and love..

You have to love yourself.

But as my friends weed themselves out or plant themselves more solidly into my life, and I find new friends and reconnect with old ones, I feel this panic as I watch the uncertainty of their loyalty to me. My burning bridges and rash behavior weigh heavy on scales and why am I being judged? So I get in my car, and I drive away... and if you'd like to keep a small place in your heart for me to return to, I promise, I'm doing my very best.


Sarah said...

I heart you meagan

greenvinyl said...

can you please come to California!?

alyssa jamison said...

oh baby. i love you. and when my phone took a shit, i lost your number. :/ text me. because i realized i had lost it yesterday when i went to text you this amazing picture of bryans lips framed by a gorgeous.... BEARD! (and you know i couldnt and wouldnt share that with anyone else)


the.sunshinegirl said...

don't you think it would be better to start a new blog and give the link only to those you know or trust? i don't know much about it, but is the mean stuff posted here not by strangers? you could just kick their asses and hang a "stay out" sign on the door...

on wordpress for example you can make only certain posts private, so the blog is still visible for everyone, but the private stuff can only be read by people knowing the passwort.

Paul Fullem said...

God has not made big enough ears to hear how beautiful you write as I listen to your voice in my head. You were right, "I do care what people think." The wine stain on my carpet makes me think of you. Take it easy, but take it. Signed, Paul Fullem