Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Live Laugh Love

I've had a headache for days, and I don't know why. I'm terrified that it's my wisdom teeth coming in, really really terrified. The idea of having to deal with this before I begin my adventure is very real and very serious. I have no idea how far that would set me back on my travels, and have half a mind to pretend it's not happening- a big part of me would rather deal with whatever happens in my mouth rather than hang around longer, sitting on my hands and waiting for the snow to freeze me indoors.

I know, I know, it would be stupid to ignore the needs of my dental, especially after having had taken care of them so well up until now. Fuck US health insurance bullshit, it makes me so mad. The idea that I could be set back thousands of dollars because of fucking wisdom teeth is very frustrating.


On another note, I've been obsessively thinking about my past relationships and the hugely obvious common denominator: my destruction of them.

Every time I have something good with a guy, I destroy it. Whether it's slow or quick, either way I destroy it. Just fucking blow it out of the water. Why? I don't really know. I think maybe I get frustrated that it's not all I want so maybe I'm wasting my time, or that I shouldn't be treated well so I should split, or I think it's all a facade - that so and so doesn't actually like me, they're secretly embarrassed of my nutty behavior and their friends all talk about me behind my back. And, in a couple instances - I get convinced I like them more and they'll never like me as much as I like them so I better fucking ditch asap because I'm obviously not cool enough, pretty enough or good enough, in general.

I have a real hang up about not being cool enough, pretty enough, good enough at anything or everything. I obsessively look read people, I obsessively want everyone to like me while at the same time screaming, "Fuck you, I don't give a fuck!" Later I look at pictures I've taken of people and see the hate in the girl's eyes, the judgment in both sexes.

A friend of mine suggested making a book: "Girls who hate me" or some such thing, cause I swear, I have a lot of hot pictures of girls who DO hate me. I can see it in their eyes, and it's so unappealing, confusing and disturbing. Then there is that one or two frames where they let their guard down and bing-bing-bing we have a winner!

I swear, the range of reactions my personality gets out of people is all across the board. I guess it depends on my mood. Some people just see completely different Meagans.. depending on how they act and how I feel that day. I'm a moody sonofabitch.

None the less, another friend of mine pointed out that I am not going to change, and shouldn't care about changing. And I completely agree. I've come to the conclusion that I've spent so much of my time trying to be something better, that I've lost track of just being me. I always preach about being whoever you are and fuck anyone who doesn't like it, but I don't think I live it, not truly. Not that I'll ever stop trying to be the best I can, cause I think that's part of the whole journey I'm going on.

Just live laugh love.
Enjoy the ride, you know?
The ones that matter'll come together.

Fuckin hippy.


Organic Meatbag said...

I think that, at age 35, I am finally starting to just be myself...sometimes it just takes time, but I think it will come to you...and yes, it is refreshing!

Cristi said...

You know...
someone told me once that me and you are complete utter opposites and I'm beginning to think we have allot more in common than either of us realize.

Meagan Sample said...

I'm not surprised.