Waiting

I've almost completely moved into my new apartment. It's bigger, though I have to give up my claw foot tub. I'm about to come upon a good week, a busy week. Two modeling shoots with two favorites. I'm letting my camera down, but not out of finger's reach. Nothing's happening right now. I've asked many people to model for me, and gotten no responses. So I will wait, and take the time to let my mind sit and be bored for once. I need to fester for a second, to just simmer. Recollect and build up what ever it is that I'm building up to do.

To wait.

I know this next week will spring me into action. I am an addict to modeling, I just feel better when I'm doing it regularly. Maybe it has something to do with my overspilling emotions that are constantly haywire and my desire to expose myself, share myself, express myself.

Either that or I'm a vein self centered egotist.

One or the other for sure, though.

Change and more Change

The past reminds me of a taste or smell, always different, always the same. A photo or a place or person may trigger it. A sense of familiarity that has come and gone. Familiar in the sense that it was familiar, and that something else is familiar now. Smell or taste in a way that is almost there but not quite.

It's hard to grasp, sometimes, how different my life changes so often. A month ago I was happy in the arms of a man who loved me. Eight months ago I was terribly miserably alone and depressed. I was in school, I was in a shitty apartment, I had a strange relationship with a man, I was ostracized from my family, I had many friends, a summer of sunshine and wine and whiskey.

People come and go, things change so much.

I must move out of Utica. I must. I feel stifled here. Stuck. Uncreative.

Every time I get in my car and drive anywhere, my head starts ticking about everything going on in my life. It's meditative. Like doing laundry or the dishes or taking a shower. I think about my ex's and why they're ex's. I think about sex, about self control. About where I want to go, physically and mentally. I think about what I want to shoot next. What I'll write in my blog later.

Which has, over the years, become morre and more difficult for me to write anything meaningful. Lately also in my paper journal, which I haven't touched much since sitting in a particularly lovely kitchen in Brooklyn pining away with my pen about how perfect my relationship was, how wonderful and scary the City is. But those days have passed.

Now it's all random adventures. Lastnight I got blasted and fell down some stares. I look like I was in a car accident or my non-existant boyfriend beat the fuck out of me. Drunken Battle Wounds. Holly managed to bust her toe, and nether of us know how. Maybe it was that walk home, who knows.

Recently I'm interested in shooting normal people.. or, I should say, re-interested. I got distracted by fashion and spoiled by New York City models. So I'll continue shooting Miss Holly (featured above) while she paroozes the north-east and works her self into the ground, and hopefully more of the cute boys sauntering around the neighborhood.



I'm rusty, but I'll get there. MVCC is opened back up for their spring semester and while they don't need anyone to work there, I'm going to show my face as often as possible and pull on my Teacher Pet skills to develop my film there. And soon a friend will be handing over a scanner, which will be so fabulous I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't imagine the glory of being able to scan in my apartment.

I asked a super cute girl to model for me today. I hope she emails me cause she gives me girl crush/ photo crush goosebumps. Usually I'm nervous when I ask strangers to shoot with me, but I have to do it living in Central New York, though this time it didn't phase me at all. She just said yes, too, without even knowing what kind of photography I do.

Could you imagine if I were Chip or James or Chris Bush? Hahaaa.

Enough rambling. Sorry, no tits.

Lurkers

Frank took this months ago while I was shooting Jessalyn. He's selling prints of it which I think is pretty cool cause I get a couple bucks, too. Plus which, I like the thought of me half naked with a camera floating around in people's possesions rather than just on the internet.

Anyway, I know there are people who read my blog, yet no one comments. Am I that fucking boring? Anyone have any topic suggestions? haha

Oh, and anyone know why my little site tracker thing isn't letting me stalk who's coming here? Grrrrrr

Distraction

Today Holly and I spent the day thrifting. We're hours from home and are staying in a hotel, getting up early tomorrow and putting another day in. Her job is fun, and it's nice to tag along and rummage through stuff trying to find something that she thinks is cool enough for her store. It's hard, though, cause she's really picky. But it keeps my mind active and away from all my stresses, which is the best thing for me right now. She's great company, even though she's a female version of you-know-who.

I can never sleep before two, and I was headfirst "in the bag" lastnight and still was able (somehow) to get up at 8:30 to start our adventure. She'll be waking me up at seven tomorrow, so I was hoping to get to sleep by midnight, but obviously that's not working.

Planning my days is the easiest way to barrel through my problems, otherwise I end up sleeping and being useless. Which is, well, useless. Besides, I just love my moleskine planner.

I love traveling though! So this is fun. And her car is new - the air conditioning works and everything!

Judgments

If you think for one hot second that you understand me, you're just foolish.

Scavengers

Lately I've been pretty good about making my own food, and as cheaply as possible. I get things like american cheese singles, turkey lunch slices, eggs, salsa, canned soup, corn, potatoes, salsa. And then I create new ways to mix them all together to get something decent. Instead of a regular turkey and cheese sandwich, I fry the turkey and then put it in a grilled cheese. Today I fried some potatoes with salsa and scrambled eggs and put cheese on top. It's not so bad. As a general rule, though, I like the food I make myself over anything I can get around here. Now, when I'm in or around the City, that's a whole different world. I've never had so much good food as when I visit there. God damn, I love good food.

The internet has been boring the shit out of me lately, so I've been reading. Currently: All The Pretty Horses. It's pretty good. I started it the day before yesterday and I'm halfway through. I've got a whole stack of books I've been wanting to read, but "no time" to do it. Now I definitely have some time. I think I may try to find a job taking care of horses, no lie. I'm sick of dealing with drunk retards and power-tripping bosses. Besides, I really don't give a fuck about taking photos at the bar.. I tried to give a fuck but I just don't.

Horses on the other hand!! I know it's been done and done and done but who fucking cares. I want some pretty horse pictures of my own. ;)

The Dip

The life rollercoaster has really plunged. When life is good, it's really good. And vise versa. It's just one thing after another.

This was from 11th grade. My mouth looks funny because it's full of metal. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that life. At least my problems were simple. Psychotic family. Lack of friends or boyfriend. Bad social skills. I spent a lot of my time online and taking pictures of my friends and them taking pictures of me. I wish I could dig them up, but they're on my computer that I had then, which is now at my grandmother's. Maybe I'll take a trip out to visit her and snag it before she decides to get rid of it or give it to my mother or something, and then I loose all those, and that would suck.

Plans

Yesterday I followed Holly around to thriftstore to thriftstore. She was hunting for inventory for Thriftwares, I was along for the ride, and then became on the prowl for two things: An Olympus (like I had before, the one I took the above shot with) and an older copy of A Clockwork Orange (seeing as I inadvertently fucked up a friend's copy). I found neither, however, I did find four wicked cool polaroid cameras (What the fuck is a film disk?).

Dammit, I really miss that Olympus. I must have another one.

Oh - and I've decided with all my spare time I'd walk around aimlessly with the Rolleiflex. I've got a lot of spare days where I don't work (which I'm working on changing) and I get stir crazy. Yesterday I photographed some random guy in a parkinglot. I feel my journalistic side ticking.

I've also recently decided "Fuck New York City" but that's only because I'm scared and poor. But the up side is, is that winter will be here soon enough, and portraits against a snowy winter wonderland is a staple I must have in my portfolio. I swear to god, over hell and high water, I will force myself to shoot throughout the winter. Every year I go into hibernation, I mope, I shiver and hide under seven pounds of blankets.

Ohhh God, I hate the cold.

Lookit me, August and I'm fretting over winter. But I know this is valid because I'll be seeing snow in less than three months.

Think snow scapes, think skiing, think snow angles, think children, think sparkling icicles.

Aright, now back to warm. Think bright sunlight, think fields of sunflowers, think lazy rivers, think barefoot.

Hey, I like this game.

oh, and I'm abandoning color film for a hot second.

What doesn't Kill us...

One day I will feel proud of who I am and what I'm doing,
One day I will have mastered my strengths and weaknesses.
Until then,
What doesn't kill us,
Makes us stronger.