On your own

photo by Art Tavee

My thoughts drift away again and I'm thinking of you... Yes, you, there, in the black.

All my lovers wear black.

And they see me there... or there.... or this way, or that, and yet I feel misrepresented, is it my fault? Or are they not paying attention? I'm probably eluding them, avoiding and scheming. Can you scheme subcontiously? I think I can. I think I can read your mind, too, so watch your eyes...

And I'm thinking of you.

Are you thinking of me?

no body likes you, Meagan... It's a whisper in my ear lately and I wonder if it's the echo's off the walls of my jaded thought prison or the looks in other people's eyes, the unformed words on their lips. Are you judging me? and I wish I could seep into the background and I can't and I think it's because I'm tall or maybe it's the whole I-can't-keep-my-mouth-shut thing cause surely it can't be this face, too plain, this body, too big. You talk too much. Worry too much. Care too much. Too many mistakes. Do you remember me the way I remember you? I feel like these photographs are lying to me, all of them, and they seem not right to my memory. You in the kitchen. The smell of your hair. On the rainy streets, holding your hand, your smile. I'm remembering a concoction and it never went that way, only in fleeting moments. Remember that dinner? I remember them all.

But it's time to let that all go.

Let it go... be content alone...

A lesson I've been trying to learn most of my life.

Dawn in the Sky

It's funny to me, how different people see me completely differently. One day I have someone telling me to go kill myself, the next someone else praising me for everything that I am. Makes me wonder who actually knows me or who I actually am. I do know, however, that the person who tells me to kill myself is a cruel bastard with nothing to do better than to warp his understanding of me and take his anger and hate of the world and his own life out on me. I know that I am just fine without those sorts of people in my life, or anyone connected to them. My life has gotten much better in the last couple months as I let those people go. I'm sad to let them slip through my fingers, but relieved to be gone of one more drama or one more negative aspect in my life. Things have changed, I am changing, and I will rise up stronger and better than you. And one day you'll apologize...

In the meantime...

I've spent so much dreaming and energy into the idea of following the sunset to California, chasing the sun into the desert... That it never even crossed my mind what it would be like to experience it the other way around.... Leaving Seattle in a 6am flight, it was overcast and predawn.. but as we rose into the clouds, the light sifting through and we broke out to the open sky and the dawn staring me in the face, the colours of the clouds so close I could touch them if not for the glass.. and I cried at the thought of rising up and meeting the sun head on, of the strength and love I feel for the sun and everything it represents for me, the beauty I see in this world in spite of the ugly hearts of others.

It was the most amazing sunrise I have experienced and probably will ever experience. Words don't do it justice, and neither does this photograph. But in my head, it will stay, and I hope for all those other dreamers out there, that you get to experience a similar dawn as well.

On my way off the plane, I looked at the pilot and told him the sunrise was beautiful. All I could think of was how wonderful it must have been from his seat. He said he enjoyed it as well. I was hoping to get better pictures than I did, but this one will have to suffice. I was hoping to have copies every time I flew, because god knows, there's no way a pilot could not enjoy that. I've sat in cockpits and know that anyone who flies a plane, certainly loves it more than anything else.

I love it, too.

And I think him and I were the only ones watching.

Do you look out the window?

Two Weeks In.

This traveling bug is fucking INSATIABLE and I spend all my time planning and plotting my next moves. I've gathered my wits and I've been on fire for weeks, ever since I decided to go back to school. I make lists in my head of things I need to be doing, and on paper, and I do them! I wake up at seven am and force myself out of bed and am miserable to get out of bed but elated to be going to school and getting into the rythm of it. Three out of my four school days I have an 8am four hour class, and every other day I have a math class that takes up an hour and fifteen precious minutes of my day to torture me with little numbers and lines that make no sense to me! I hate it, but I remind myself every day that it's important if only that it'll insure my degree. Next semester is going to be insane. This semester is insane already! I'm fuckin on the ball, or so I feel. I mean, it's only two weeks in but I think the other students are getting an idea of how cool I am, and I try to be nice and not standoffish or act elitist or anything like that. Which I don't mean to do, but sometimes it just happens. Particularly at school. I just get in such a tunnel vision and all I can do and think of is my work and how best to utilize my time in the labs. Scan negatives while printing colour. Multiple enlargers. go go go. So much to do!

and it's wonderful. Really really wonderful. I feel so good about it all, and I'm getting into the right way and I feel like everything will be okay.

Next serious goal: Quit smoking.