End of the Year

by ellen von unworth

So I'm gonna go right ahead and say in the next year I'm incorporating BDSM and kink into most, if not all, of my photography. I'll just skip the pretense that I'm not, like, one of the more perverted girls around. Sex, fetish, bondage for everyone!

Any first takers?

Besides all that, today is the last day of 2008 and I'm pretty sure I'm ready for a new year. This past one hasn't been that bad, I've learned a lot, grown a lot, traveled a lot. I've taken a lot of pictures and met a lot of really great people.

Last year at this time I was chasing after dick and living in a shit hole. I was getting my apartment broken into and dealing with a slumlord. I wasn't speaking to my family and I was friendless, loveless and mopey.

Today I think I'm poorer, and I have no idea where I'll be living in the next couple of weeks, but I have a couple great friends, a fun job, a loving family, a heart full of hope and a holster of cameras.

I am on the prowl.

by cellina von mannstein

Extreme

Meagan --

[adjective]: Extremely extreme!

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Sometimes I feel like my wings are tightly bound, others; stretched and ready to fly, and once and a while all I feel is the weightless soaring...

James Spader

I love you.

"Men learn to love the person that they're attracted to, and women become more and morre attracted to the person they love"

-James Spader's character "Graham" in Sex Lies and Videotape

You are Mine

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
That defines the meaning of their lives

You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine

There are objects of affection
That can mesmerize the soul
There is always one addiction
That just cannot be controlled

You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
They hold high their prized posession

song by Mute Math
photo by Anthony Garito

Finally, Olympus

Finally! I got my olympus stylus epic in the mail. $40 off of ebay and even came with the case - practically brand fucking new.

And while I adore the cameras that have been given to me by family and close friends, this.. this is the first camera that I bought... well, besides the dozens of polaroids and such, most of which don't work but that I've just collected since I was little to look pretty.

Finally, I shot something today. Finally I have my little camera.

But being evicted is not something to look forward to, especially to kick off the new year and, oh, by the way, Merry Fucking Christmas, Meagan. Christ.

Where do I go? What do I do? Move to Syracuse with Holly, Chicago with Melody, New York City filled with people to photograph, Pittsburgh? Back pack Europe? South America?

How does one pick up and move with a month notice?



Above is a shot of Melody, intended to be a head shot for her book.. I don't know if I have anything she'll put in it, but the more I look at this one, the happier I am with it. Thanks, Mell, for letting me have it, even if you weren't very happy with me.

There are two people I can always rely on, Mell is one.

King of the Trailer Park

Here's a shot from a while ago, when this foxy thing brought me on a hike. King of the Trailer Park.

I'm hunkering down tomorrow to develop and scan, and am fairly fucking stoked to see what I have. It's hard to shoot up here and hard to find people to shoot, but I try to make do with what I have. I've realized that I have a lot of rolls from months ago that I developed but never scanned - there was a moment there where all I was doing was shooting; mostly with the Olympus Frank gave me before I dropped it one too many times.

Which reminds me: I bought another one on ebay(!). It'll be here in a couple days and I couldn't be more excited. Hopefully it works and is actually the one I think it is. (insert thrilled squeal)

Oh. And I have to move in a month. Suggestions? I need to get the fuck out of upstate New York.

NewwwYork!

Driving into the city never ceases to be exciting. Always astounded at how big it is, how far the huge buildings and lights and cars and people stretch on forever.

My sister is visiting and we're packing her visit stuffed full of fun fun fun!

Above is Sarah, who we hung out with lastnight, which was also fantastic. The picture is from New Years.

weeeeee

Samhain

I was not a cat or a zombie Sarah Palin. I was a gypsie... again. An excuse to walk around with my stomach out and my coin belt and huge hippy skirt. Me and two foxy ladies roamed about looking for adventure but unfortunately didn't come by much of anything, ended at a bar where I proceeded to get housed properly on long island iced teas, woke up confused and that's always pretty telling. But I had a fabulous relaxing day and Holly and I made our Saturday dinner (she's amaazing in the kitchen!), watched a couple movies.

Today is the Celtic pagan holliday Samhain, which is what Halloween is based off of (that an other similar pagan holidays like the Day of the Dead). I always think a lot about my father and what he'd be doing at my age. Every year I'm closer to being the age he was when he died, a mere 26. Along with Samhain being the day dedicated to the last harvest, the end of summer, past loved ones and spirits and Gods being more accessible, it is also the New Year.

I've thought about past loves and futur loves, I had champagne and wondered if it was really possible to talk to the dead, and come to the conclusion that if Jesus can turn water to wine, then surely there are fairies. I threw away his toothbrush and picked my camera back up, too long it's been without it's Master's touch.

I feel like snuggling in for the winter, dreading it yet loving it. My hybernation is coming, someone yell at me, please, if you notice me not shooting.

Halloween!!

God dammit, I love Halloween! My favorite day of the year, hands down.

I can't decide whether to be a Cat or Zombie Palin.

Fuck this shit I need to go get myself a disposable camera for tonight, yes pleaaase.

Ni-ni-niiiiples!

I got my nipples pierced the other day... for free by my friend Andrea who is apprenticing. No one else she knows will let her practice on them because they're all babies. Well, nipples fucking hurt to pierce, if you're wondering. But I loves them, they came out great. I almost backed out but Andrea didn't let me. Good girrrl.

Above is my sister, again, from the same night as the other one in a past entry. Melody will be visiting me soon, which is so exciting for multiple reasons but it means I get a model to shoot! Shooting Melody is like a freebee, or cheating or something, I always get good photos out of her, or maybe I'm biased, or maybe both. I have some 35mm that I know are good, too, but have to wait to scan them. Which, by the way, I'm working something out with my school: I'll model for a class if I can use the sanner, labs, develop... I win!

Ohhh and my main proffessor sent off three of my photos to a state-wide college photo contest in Albany, and they all got in.. we'll be hearing soon about results.

My internet's being a cock sucker or I'd post those pictures, too. Of course, they're of Jessalyn and Cris Ashley. Duhh

Kathryn

This girl, that one, in the middle of the boys, her name is Kathryn. She is a mess. A beautiful dramatic mess. I love photographing her. She hates me, I love her.

These four, they all have such stories. They are that Type, the type who all grew up in the area, bouncing from people to people, group to group, growing up in the same swirl. It's interesting to bombard them with with cameras and my own dramatics to add to the dynamic. Grab some photos, and peace out.

Next!

Except for Her. I want more.

pushing through

Sitting here, my heart filled with pitiful pains and sorrows as if I were sixteen. The same helplessness, the same indecision. I often feel like I'll be stuck in this spot forever, constantly trying to run away from it. I try so hard not to just lay down in my bed and forget the world.

I have a pile of things to do, and no drive to do it.

But at least I have this photo of Melody, a moment of joy pushing through her own sorrows.

Stumped

The last couple of weeks have been a haze of days running into eachother. I have so much to do, so much I want to do, but am lacking inspiration. I feel trapped. Useless. The eye of the storm, calm around a fury of emotions and thoughts and desires. So often lately I feel this way, and I thought with age this immature spurts of depression and hiding from the world would go away. For the first time, I feel caught between girl and woman, entering that time when I have to leave my careless days behind me, buckle down and put my nose to the grindstone. But it's hard, without inspiration.. Drifting, waiting...

But forcing myself out of bed early to get things done; mentally challenging myself, cleaning, reading, writing, planning photo things.. Is a good thing. Recoop, I guess.

What exactly is it that makes a person decide to do things that aren't in her best interest? This boggles my mind a bit.

And it's not like my life is so bad. I know this. But I am selfish and I want more. More from myself and my life. Which should be cherrished and not wasted and I should use what I have to make myself the best I can. End of story.

Get yerself together, Meg.

Eleni

I had this friend, Eleni. She was Lebanese and Greek with long black hair. She was beautiful and always smiling and rolled her cigarettes and talked about living "off the grid". She loved whiskey and Ithica. She went to massage therepy school before I knew her and once gave me a massage, putting me half asleep. In this photo, we drove out to a park that she knew of. It was the end of winter or the beginning of spring and just warm enough to not be cold and just cold enough to still have snow. She was hung over and self consious. I had fun shooting her and she was a great sport. Afterwards, we went to a hick bar and drank scotch and played pool and messed with the locals. I was 18, she was 20.



Crazy how a few years can feel like so long ago. This picture was from another night, though no less fun. Eleni now has a baby. Nuff said.

I've quit smoking. There's this torture that I realized about the withdrawal from cigarettes that I can deal with and even enjoy. It's the same pit in my chest that I felt when I missed James so much when I was in Utica. I have an addictive personality.

Rolls of film are starting to build up. All I need is developer to develop my own film, hurray! I have vague plans of stealing some from MVCC. Wish me luck!

God I love being up until the sun comes up.

Attention!

I just found math I like!

"For films and Plates: mix 1 part of this solution with 3 parts of water. At 18-20 C/ 67-70 F in fresh fixer, fix films and plates for 2-4 minutes with these exceptions: fix Kodak Panatomic-X filmsfor 1-2 minutes;fix Kodak Tri-X Pan Professional Films for 5-10 minutes. Discard the fixing bath when the time to clear exceeds one-half the total fixing time. Under normal conditions, if an acid stop bath such as Kodak indicator stop bath is used between development and fixation, this diluted bath will fix about 120 rolls of 620 film or the equivalent per gallon."

Self Control

It is a mantra. Have self control, have self control, have self control. I will not call any of the boys. I will not smoke. I will have composure. I will not call, I will not call, I will not call...

On my list of things to do today:

-Shoot Marice (Cute eccentric boy with neat style and an affinity towards making music)
-Possibly shoot Andrea (heavily tattooed and I've shot her many times)
-Clean out my car
-Get wasted and watch that new vampire HBO series that apparently you can get for free at Blockbuster. (Thanks Mell)

What I really want to do is take my feeble $100 that I have to my name and drive out to Texas and shoot the aftermath of hurricane Ike. The other night we got hit with the left over storm. The power went out at exactly two, and I begged Holly and Jon to go outside with me to check it out. All of Syracuse was out and it was ghostly, the wind was terrifying and I was convinced that there were monsters in the shadows. I was this close to getting in my car and searching out a cool shot from some high spot. But I didn't have my tripod sooooo.... sucks cause the moon was huge, too. Anyway, I grabbed my film just in case.

I have yet to see any good photos come out of Ike, and it's killing me. I know there are tuns of dudes with cameras around there so why the fuck haven't I seen a worthy photo of the 20 thousand people still in Galveston? I've been listening to NPR and watching the news and I'm going ape shit bat CRAZY wanting to just hop in my car and go take pictures. Oh! ohoh! And the NEWS, man, the news is crazy. Who's lighting these people? TV in general makes my head hurt but I want to watch it more (I don't have cable, myself) so I can be so inspired to go out and do shit.

But instead I have to go look for a real job. Fuck. I don't want a real job. I'm pretty happy scraping by and modeling for Thriftwares and going down to NYC every once and a while and taking pictures every where I go.

I think maybe I'll look into wedding photography. Buuuuut I need a digital camera. Need. I've got my precious film cameras (minus the Olympus). I finally have a light meter (two, actually, though I haven't figured out how to use them... Thanks Jeff and Tim!!).

Aright so I just spent ten minute playing with them and I figured it out. Fucking cool. They are so cooooool... they're the old kind... with swirly dials and needles and such. Which match my old cameras so weeeelll... and I found a 50's hot pink bike on craigslist for $50 bucks and I don't care if it's really fucking stupid I WANT THAT BIKE. Hopefully she didn't sell it yet *crosses fingers*.

Aright enough of this bullshit. Time to go out and take pictures to prove that I rock and that James can kiss my happy cute ass. I'll show him! (and everyone else, too!)

Watch me prance with my nose in the air.

Too sensitive

Lately I've had serious writer's block.

Maybe it's from the pressure and judgment I feel from my ex reading something, or the way I miss posting about our fabulous life and adventures. It's sad how when you break up, your life splits in half. There are the people who will keep talking to you, and the ones who wont ever again. There are the boyfriends who will remain your friend, and the ones that wont. The ones who will be bitter, the ones who will be understanding. I wish to have one be understanding, calm, mature. To think, I've always dated men well older than me, and have found that with age there certainly is no guarantee of maturity.

I've wanted to express my joy of the last week and a half. My shoot with Chip Willis was amazing, I got to see my sister.. after which there were more adventures of a Harley ride before continuing on to Rochester to shoot with Frank Petronio where we continued to get blasted (or, I did..) and ramble about nonsense, then on to NYC where I first spent a night of tequila and tonic and limes with my super cute high-school BFF. Then, the next day I shot with HR Marshall who was a delight, followed by a date with a young republican (Weird!) who is quite adorable and showed me a City through eyes I've never seen on the wheels of a red scooter.

However, my buzz was killed like a joy ride interrupted by blue and red flashing lights. It's funny how seeing the back of someones stupid head with his stupid long girly grey hair and stupid matching button-up that fits him oh-so-well.

And another back-view of curly brown hair. Not so stupid, though...

Part of me believes that my ability to do dumb things makes me tough. Or, how he's put it, "punk rock". Yet punk rock died with strung out hospital visits and suicide. Part of me believes these irrational movements of mine are romantic and charming. But look at me, here, sitting alone, writing for the world to see. And because I stopped caring, that, too is punk rock and romantic. Stupid "punk rock" because I sat out there for hours, waiting. Romantic because I was too sensitive to go the extra step to act like a crazy bitch. I watched them go in. I watched his bedroom light go on. I wrote a letter and folded it up like I was in highschool and left it on the stoop. I thought about his crazy down-stairs neighbor picking it up and I almost hope she did, just to create an extra dynamic.

Always dramatic.

And suddenly I'm not over him. I'm crazy and pounding and terrified and aching. I am not stupid, though. I knew from the beginning. I knew from the middle, and the End.

Bury yourself in photography, Meagan. Bury yourself.

But, Still

So last week I went out to Columbus to shoot with Chip.. we'd been planning it for a while, and I decided to convince Melody to come visit me, since Columbus is more than half way to where she's staying with our grandparents in Michigan. I've missed her and we're finally able to reconnect after a long time of being in different universes. Ends up, Chip shot both of us, which was fan-fucking-tastic, and I'm elated at all of the images. Two days of driving around, shooting, laughing. We had a great time, and even our "behind the scenes" photos are great. I really love this one, it makes me feel happy and free and girly. Chip kept saying, "higher! Again!" and I was reminded of Avedon. Chip challenged me the first time we shot, and continued to do so, which is so much fun. I love working with photographers who I adore and who push me to do my best, and to work to get where they want me to be.

Once again, all outfits provided by miss Holly Ross, of Thriftwares.com. As usual.

Next is shooting with Frank Petronio tomorrow, which I'm also excited about. He's a little drama queen but that's part of the fun. I'm stoked to see his new camera, too.

After that, down to NYC for a couple of days, FINALLY! Working with yet another photographer who I really respect, though I only work with that type, anyway. Holly's putting together fucking fabulous outfits and I am really really excited about them. One includes a sequence bra top that I had to beg her to get, and damn, sure am happy she did.

Furs are also on the list, and I plan on wearing one (a different one every week, as Holly sells them, most likely) all winter long, and am totally prepared to catch a tun of flack for it. To me, furs are meant to be worn. I mean, sure it's a little fucked up to be wearing a bunch of little cute bunnies, minks, foxes, or beavers, but I don't care... they're so fucking... luxurious! I feel like a fucking rock star, yo.

Besides all that, I'm regretfully putting down my cameras after I shoot the rest of my 120 film. Sadly, the Rolleiflex that I've been borrowing from a very generous photographer, has been recalled by said owner. I almost cried when I read the email, but I could feel it approaching, I've known it was getting to that time. I mean, I've had it for a long time. But I will cherish it while I have it!

That film is the last film I have. I can't afford more, and I can't afford to get the rolls I have shot developed. So I am forced to not shoot. Instead I will start scanning old stuff that I haven't scanned, and working on trying to fanangle my way into making cd's (like I keep saying..).

I want to backpack Europe with Melody so I plan on working my ass off through the winter. Which is good, it'll keep me from being all winter depressed, which happens every year. I'm putting off finding said other jobs so that I can do things like run around naked for Chip and go play dress-up with Frank and be fabulous in NYC. Stupid, irresponsible, but fucking fun.

But through all the ups and downs and trials and tribulations and heart aches and frustrations... I still love being me. I love modeling and I love taking pictures. Somehow, modeling always makes me feel better, more alive and part of something. Being able to take a piece of my personality, a feeling or mood, and be able to have that directed by a photographer into a photo that'll say something, connects somehow, makes me feel... appreciated, exposed, liked, curious, active... useful. And I learn so much every time.

Another by Chip.

Waiting

I've almost completely moved into my new apartment. It's bigger, though I have to give up my claw foot tub. I'm about to come upon a good week, a busy week. Two modeling shoots with two favorites. I'm letting my camera down, but not out of finger's reach. Nothing's happening right now. I've asked many people to model for me, and gotten no responses. So I will wait, and take the time to let my mind sit and be bored for once. I need to fester for a second, to just simmer. Recollect and build up what ever it is that I'm building up to do.

To wait.

I know this next week will spring me into action. I am an addict to modeling, I just feel better when I'm doing it regularly. Maybe it has something to do with my overspilling emotions that are constantly haywire and my desire to expose myself, share myself, express myself.

Either that or I'm a vein self centered egotist.

One or the other for sure, though.

Change and more Change

The past reminds me of a taste or smell, always different, always the same. A photo or a place or person may trigger it. A sense of familiarity that has come and gone. Familiar in the sense that it was familiar, and that something else is familiar now. Smell or taste in a way that is almost there but not quite.

It's hard to grasp, sometimes, how different my life changes so often. A month ago I was happy in the arms of a man who loved me. Eight months ago I was terribly miserably alone and depressed. I was in school, I was in a shitty apartment, I had a strange relationship with a man, I was ostracized from my family, I had many friends, a summer of sunshine and wine and whiskey.

People come and go, things change so much.

I must move out of Utica. I must. I feel stifled here. Stuck. Uncreative.

Every time I get in my car and drive anywhere, my head starts ticking about everything going on in my life. It's meditative. Like doing laundry or the dishes or taking a shower. I think about my ex's and why they're ex's. I think about sex, about self control. About where I want to go, physically and mentally. I think about what I want to shoot next. What I'll write in my blog later.

Which has, over the years, become morre and more difficult for me to write anything meaningful. Lately also in my paper journal, which I haven't touched much since sitting in a particularly lovely kitchen in Brooklyn pining away with my pen about how perfect my relationship was, how wonderful and scary the City is. But those days have passed.

Now it's all random adventures. Lastnight I got blasted and fell down some stares. I look like I was in a car accident or my non-existant boyfriend beat the fuck out of me. Drunken Battle Wounds. Holly managed to bust her toe, and nether of us know how. Maybe it was that walk home, who knows.

Recently I'm interested in shooting normal people.. or, I should say, re-interested. I got distracted by fashion and spoiled by New York City models. So I'll continue shooting Miss Holly (featured above) while she paroozes the north-east and works her self into the ground, and hopefully more of the cute boys sauntering around the neighborhood.



I'm rusty, but I'll get there. MVCC is opened back up for their spring semester and while they don't need anyone to work there, I'm going to show my face as often as possible and pull on my Teacher Pet skills to develop my film there. And soon a friend will be handing over a scanner, which will be so fabulous I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't imagine the glory of being able to scan in my apartment.

I asked a super cute girl to model for me today. I hope she emails me cause she gives me girl crush/ photo crush goosebumps. Usually I'm nervous when I ask strangers to shoot with me, but I have to do it living in Central New York, though this time it didn't phase me at all. She just said yes, too, without even knowing what kind of photography I do.

Could you imagine if I were Chip or James or Chris Bush? Hahaaa.

Enough rambling. Sorry, no tits.

Lurkers

Frank took this months ago while I was shooting Jessalyn. He's selling prints of it which I think is pretty cool cause I get a couple bucks, too. Plus which, I like the thought of me half naked with a camera floating around in people's possesions rather than just on the internet.

Anyway, I know there are people who read my blog, yet no one comments. Am I that fucking boring? Anyone have any topic suggestions? haha

Oh, and anyone know why my little site tracker thing isn't letting me stalk who's coming here? Grrrrrr

Distraction

Today Holly and I spent the day thrifting. We're hours from home and are staying in a hotel, getting up early tomorrow and putting another day in. Her job is fun, and it's nice to tag along and rummage through stuff trying to find something that she thinks is cool enough for her store. It's hard, though, cause she's really picky. But it keeps my mind active and away from all my stresses, which is the best thing for me right now. She's great company, even though she's a female version of you-know-who.

I can never sleep before two, and I was headfirst "in the bag" lastnight and still was able (somehow) to get up at 8:30 to start our adventure. She'll be waking me up at seven tomorrow, so I was hoping to get to sleep by midnight, but obviously that's not working.

Planning my days is the easiest way to barrel through my problems, otherwise I end up sleeping and being useless. Which is, well, useless. Besides, I just love my moleskine planner.

I love traveling though! So this is fun. And her car is new - the air conditioning works and everything!

Judgments

If you think for one hot second that you understand me, you're just foolish.

Scavengers

Lately I've been pretty good about making my own food, and as cheaply as possible. I get things like american cheese singles, turkey lunch slices, eggs, salsa, canned soup, corn, potatoes, salsa. And then I create new ways to mix them all together to get something decent. Instead of a regular turkey and cheese sandwich, I fry the turkey and then put it in a grilled cheese. Today I fried some potatoes with salsa and scrambled eggs and put cheese on top. It's not so bad. As a general rule, though, I like the food I make myself over anything I can get around here. Now, when I'm in or around the City, that's a whole different world. I've never had so much good food as when I visit there. God damn, I love good food.

The internet has been boring the shit out of me lately, so I've been reading. Currently: All The Pretty Horses. It's pretty good. I started it the day before yesterday and I'm halfway through. I've got a whole stack of books I've been wanting to read, but "no time" to do it. Now I definitely have some time. I think I may try to find a job taking care of horses, no lie. I'm sick of dealing with drunk retards and power-tripping bosses. Besides, I really don't give a fuck about taking photos at the bar.. I tried to give a fuck but I just don't.

Horses on the other hand!! I know it's been done and done and done but who fucking cares. I want some pretty horse pictures of my own. ;)

The Dip

The life rollercoaster has really plunged. When life is good, it's really good. And vise versa. It's just one thing after another.

This was from 11th grade. My mouth looks funny because it's full of metal. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that life. At least my problems were simple. Psychotic family. Lack of friends or boyfriend. Bad social skills. I spent a lot of my time online and taking pictures of my friends and them taking pictures of me. I wish I could dig them up, but they're on my computer that I had then, which is now at my grandmother's. Maybe I'll take a trip out to visit her and snag it before she decides to get rid of it or give it to my mother or something, and then I loose all those, and that would suck.

Plans

Yesterday I followed Holly around to thriftstore to thriftstore. She was hunting for inventory for Thriftwares, I was along for the ride, and then became on the prowl for two things: An Olympus (like I had before, the one I took the above shot with) and an older copy of A Clockwork Orange (seeing as I inadvertently fucked up a friend's copy). I found neither, however, I did find four wicked cool polaroid cameras (What the fuck is a film disk?).

Dammit, I really miss that Olympus. I must have another one.

Oh - and I've decided with all my spare time I'd walk around aimlessly with the Rolleiflex. I've got a lot of spare days where I don't work (which I'm working on changing) and I get stir crazy. Yesterday I photographed some random guy in a parkinglot. I feel my journalistic side ticking.

I've also recently decided "Fuck New York City" but that's only because I'm scared and poor. But the up side is, is that winter will be here soon enough, and portraits against a snowy winter wonderland is a staple I must have in my portfolio. I swear to god, over hell and high water, I will force myself to shoot throughout the winter. Every year I go into hibernation, I mope, I shiver and hide under seven pounds of blankets.

Ohhh God, I hate the cold.

Lookit me, August and I'm fretting over winter. But I know this is valid because I'll be seeing snow in less than three months.

Think snow scapes, think skiing, think snow angles, think children, think sparkling icicles.

Aright, now back to warm. Think bright sunlight, think fields of sunflowers, think lazy rivers, think barefoot.

Hey, I like this game.

oh, and I'm abandoning color film for a hot second.

What doesn't Kill us...

One day I will feel proud of who I am and what I'm doing,
One day I will have mastered my strengths and weaknesses.
Until then,
What doesn't kill us,
Makes us stronger.

Only Boring people get Bored

Or so I thought until I had nothing to do since Sunday. I was supposed to work at the bar tonight but mysteriously I'm not on the schedule. I guess because drama went down at the other bar they own a few towns over, they lost their liquor license because of noise or some shit? Anyway, those bitches apparently got president over me. Pifft. I made a big dramatic stink to the manager and he laughed and so did I and then I left.

Oh well. I was stoked about working because I have had nothing to do. I'm tempted to stop by there later, but it's always a mob fest filled with douchebags down on that street on thursdays because of this huge Saranac Thursdays where the brewery opens up every week with cheep prices on Saranac beers and a band. Brings out all the young crowd. Rude. Obnoxious. Don't tip. Et cetera.

Fridays are way better. Older crowd. I love me the older crowds.

I guess I'll spend tonight like I've spent the last three nights. Editing and cleaning. I think I've lost some brain cells. If I could scan, at least I could see some new stuff. But I'm forced to go back and edit all my older work, which I need to do anyway.

But still. I'm going stir crazy.

Above is the first of many of Sam. A fully wardrobe-styled shoot with five different looks by none other than Holly Ross. Makes me feel all special.

Next: Makeup artist
Next: Hair stylist

Let me fluff my feathers as I gloat about having my own wardrobe stylist at my fingertips. Not to mention she's fucking awesome as a general rule.

Whatever. Back to... editing...

Luxury

I'm pretty sure that my favorite time of day is dawn. It's fucking amazing. The colours, the air, the quiet... I wish I were up more often at this time. And not from staying up all night, though that has it's charm, too.

However, my favorite colour is the the colour of leaves being hit by bright afternoon sun. God damn, it's glorious.

So I've decided that I'm going to start taking bubble baths every day that I'm home, and try to read every day for at least an hour. This is in moving my daily life to be more relaxing and productive. It's productive to indulge in a bit of luxury, particularly bubble baths! Ahh, love. And I have a KILLER claw-foot tub in probably one of the best bathrooms you ever did seeeee.

Later today I'm working on developing a nice pile of black and white film, which I'm stoked about. woot-woot.

Building a Scrapbook

I keep talking about this scrapbook idea (well, maybe just to James), and I wish I'd start it, already. The more I use this silly fuji finepix bullshit, the more I love it. I took it with me to the bar when a bunch of fabulous people were in there all at the same time. One of them being Nerlande, featured above. The headless shoulder is none other than Gary Breckheimer, who I just met and is right up there with Ner in the super-awesome category (though obviously she's way cooler). ;)

Had a great time in the city. Again.


I've been planning to move to Brooklyn for two years now.


Have you ever gone back to a city you haven't lived in for a while? It's like stepping into your past, seeing who you were and what you were doing. I feel nothing but ghosts from the past towns and cities I've lived in. But at one point I felt wary of each as I let go of that life and got tangled in the next. I feel that wary (or maybe weary) of Utica, but New York City makes me excited. Driving there feels like moving forward.

And I have driven into Manhattan across the George Washington bridge and snaked my way down the FDR to the Brooklyn bridge so many times now, and crossing that first bridge and watching the buildings raise to the sky, it still makes me feel light and inspired and giddy.

The city is seducing me.

(still really scary, though)

I feel like every time I move, I evolve.

Equations

This is the shot I took of Melissa almost three years ago.

Here's the one I took yesterday-



"You look like you're doing math."
-Melissa Ayala

She's a student,
And studies constantly.
She's scared of bugs,
And squeals and makes a big deal.
She never wears makeup,
And looks best that way.

We've had a long break in our friendship, but it seems like nothing's changed. That's nice. She's never modeled except for with me, but she's unafraid and trusts me. Which is fan-fucking-tastic.

You can see a few more on my flickr

My #1 Fear

Is to never get out of Utica.
It's been especially eating at me today,
for whatever reason.




This is Dan. He works at a mexican place in Syracuse where Holly and I go from time to time. I knew him about five years ago for a couple months while we had mutual friends. But you know how "those things" are (particularly in spontaneous 11th graders traveling an hour and a half away every couple weeks to go party with non-highschoolers), most new friends are fleeting.

This makes me remember how every few years I do a lot of couch sleeping and hopping and ridiculousness. I feel ridiculous now, actually, on the verge of a new stage in my life.

Dan moves to Brooklyn tomorrow.

Jealous.

Oh, and, by-the-way.. The above photo isn't photoshop, it's the result of me fucking up a roll of film. Not too shabby, I'd say. Wouldn't you?

Reason #27 why I love Holly Ross

"I cannot wear flipflops in public."
-Holly Ross

And in response:
"Put that cooch away Meagan"

500 Miles

almost exactly from my house to James'.

While I'm driving I often forget about music, and I often create shoots and blog posts. I make lists, sort issues out and miss people. I admire colours a lot, too. Today I drove home from NYC, and especially admired the clouds. I think blue is my new favorite colour. I've been slowly figuring out my pallet for my photos. Blue tint = yes, red and yellow= no.

Though, for the life of me, I can't remember all the interesting things I wanted to say.

I do know, however, that I have the best fucking boyfriend on the face of the earth.

Besides all that, I have a lot of photo editing to catch up on, which is happiness.

And for the record I'm pretty proud of myself for making my blog look as it does. My html skillz r 4 teh win.

Here is the absolutely beautiful and talented Renee. There's something about her that makes my heart ache.

So Get This:

For the last four years that I've been taking pictures.. I've been of the mindset to NOT bring up photography in conversation or be caught in talking about it, or to encourage others on the topic. There were too many people (four years ago, at least...) who wanted to tell me all they knew about the subject, and assuming I knew nothing.

But apparently something's changed, because the last two nights I've carried my Konica around at work and it's working serious magic. I took pictures of most of the people who work at Hollyrock, which was fun. There's this one girl, Kristin, who is this bitchy loud wonderful italian princess. Long black hair, perfect makeup, short shorts every week and sporting a solid summer tan. She is obnoxious in that I-Love-Her-For-It sort of way, bitchy in that charming way. She had matching purple underwear on today and is a total ham. Of course, naturally, I asked her to model for me.

There is this other bartender (Shelly) who I've never really talked to and, until tonight, have always gotten not stellar vibes from. But she's proven worthy of the limbo stage - even before she asked me "are you Artistic?". To which I didn't know how to answer.

And Get. This.

Some older guy comes up to me while I'm prancing around on the bar with a bottle of liquor in my hands to pour into the mouths of thirsty costomers for a dollar a shot and, after buying one, asks me if I have a blog, and if I'm a photographer. He then continues to tell me how he loves my work, and not only my modeling and photography but my writing as well. Okay okay, so I understand that I'm a cute girl (not to mention I have naked pictures of myself here somewhere) and he may have just been flattering me... but fuck, dude, who doesn't like to be flattered.

I'll take it. I was pretty caught off guard.

Hopefully half-frame photos of all the pretty bartenders who work with me soon.

Someone Please Remind Me

That I should be acting on the photos I see in my head.

There are times when I look at a person and a whole scene plays out for how I want their photo to be. There are also (more recently) where I just know that I'll be able to photograph so-and-so and it'll be dandy. Expectation vs No Expectations. And while I'm a person who believes in the latter, I can't keep myself from the former. Though that isn't to confuse straight up with switchbacks.

But damn, these photos in my head are brilliant, I sayyy

I took my Konica to work tonight and took pictures of a bunch of people. I guessed on the exposure (which I'm getting better at, slowly but surely, though it still worries me) and by the end of the night I had the numbers of a transvestite, three straight girls and two gay boys. All beautiful.

I'm praying that this roll of film comes out fine. While exposure can be fudged to a degree, focus cannot. I think this is why it takes me so long to process film: Scared.

But you can't learn if you don't fuck up, so on with it!

I'm actually just really stoked to see the photos I took of Melanie. The shoot with her was one where I had a vision for her, though I'm sure the best shots are not the one I had in mind. Here's a digital of her, and one she took of me.

Happy Fuckin Birthday

Birthday Highlights:

-Holly gift of a Gunne Sax dress that is just effing perfect (POCKETS!)
-Spastic last minute early flight- I mean drive - to NYC, arriving at Boyfriends with my recently attached-at-the-hip aforementioned friend Holly at 5am.
-Wake up with said boyfriend
-Went on a hunt for a tiara (birthday=princess) (success!)
-Show up to the bar where a friend had reserved the back room with the pool table at 8pm, where (slightly buzzed, naturally) I announce obnoxiously that it's my birthday to the door man and make him check my id again, where he responds by buying me a drink!
-Had an amazing mix of photographer friends (and some people I didn't know but who are none the less fantastic, and friends with James) show up
-Sanders and Melanie gave me a box of 120 film!!! MAH
-I molested a hot girl


- JAMES GOT ME A KONICA HALF FRAME CAMERA!!!!!!


And I had a wonderful time and flitted from friend to friend and have decided that Stacey and her Husband need to have a party. And after, err, going for a walk with Stacey I decided that fun had peeked and it was TTG at 11.

I figure as long as I make it to midnight on my birthday, I am good to go.

I love my birthday. Specially this one.

HELL-OO twenty-two!! hi-ya!

And then the next day I got to shoot Melanie. Fuck yeah. Can't wait to develop the film!

Death and Stuff

Just got home from work... and came back to an email from my mother telling me that my Uncle Morris passed away this morning.

This said Uncle Morris is - was - my grandmother's husband's brother. So he's actually of no relation seeing as said husband wasn't actually my grandfather, but he loved me just the same. When Pop-pop died, he left Uncle Morris money to spend on my sister and I. It went to school clothes when we were in High School and then paid for most of the college that we chose to go to.

So what I'm saying is that my Uncle paid for some-odd amount of the last four years of my college career (a hundred-something attempted credits and no degree to show for it), sent me money so that I could buy photo supplies and bought my first cameras (which, besides the Rolleiflex, are my two cameras that I use all the time and are oh-so-reliable). He never forgot a birthday or small holiday. He sent nice boxes of chocolate for no reason and jewelry for Valentines Day.

One time I sent him this long letter, being completely open and pretending he wasn't an 80-something year old man who was kindof-not-really related and described to him all about getting a piercing and what it meant to me and why I liked piercings and tattoos. I thought that maybe it was too much for a conservative man, but I decided not to care and to treat him like a person who loved me just because. He responded with a really lovely letter about a girl he met once "at a dance". I feel it was the only time that him and I really actually communicated.

I've been "trying" to write him a letter for about a week now.. and I feel guilty that I didn't make it.

I never sent him any of the photos I took.

I've never met him.

Rest in Peace, Uncle Morris... I hope you know that I've always thought about you, whether I wrote to you or not...

Nothing New

I have a bunch of black and white film to develop. I'm putting it off. Tuesday, though, I think, I'll do it. I have a roll of T-max in my camera that I'll have to use first, though I dunno on what.

My Aunt apparently googled my name. Huh. She came up with Sanders' photo of Coni right below here and stopped investigating. haha

My birthday's coming up. I'll be 22, which I love the sound of it. Twenty two. Much better than twenty one. 21 sounds so "omigawd, I can DRIIINK". Whatever.

For my birthday I want to have fun. I want friends and laughter and silliness.

I want Melody to be there, too.

Sigh.

Healthy Pride

I shot this girl, and then this awesome photographer dude shot her. And that makes me happy. She's awesome, too.






Photo by Sanders McNew

The sun is coming up

I got home from work (bar) at quarter-to-five. I don't know about you, but I can't sleep after I'm done with work. Esspecially fast-passed ass-busting work like tonight. Or bartending at a decent place, period.

I love it. I love pre-dawn. I love the light at sunrise.

I have so much more to say, but I'll leave it at that.

And a photo of this girl I used to be friends with. Her name is Molly.

Sam

I shot this girl Sam today. She was awesome and she looked amazing in the dresses I have in my possesion that, of course, are Holly's . I can't decide if I like the colour or black and white better. I went a bit photoshop happy. Anyone have an opinion?



I got my film back from shooting Coni who was another gem. I'm really pleased with the girls I've been able to shoot lately. Girls like Coni and Sam who are talented and new, who actually like my work and want to work with me. And I think they each gave me a cavity. Which is nice.

I've got so many shots of Coni.. I'll be editing for days haha. But I don't mind. And I'm sure I got some great stuff with Sam today. Makes me happy.

Sad Happy: Part Two

I decided to go now, or, as it were, twenty minutes ago. And while I wasn't shorted $30, I was $2 but decided not to push it, though my desperate frustration at making $53 at the busiest bar in Utica, on the busiest night of the summer, having been the first bartender there to set up and continuing my over-achiever for almost 12 hours was at least happy to find my half pack of damp Camel Lights. This whole situation is tiring, not so much physically, but mentally. It's the idea that you have to clean bathrooms before you get to rightfully assist Richard Avedon. But I don't want to be someone's bitch my entire life, I want to float and be fair and Make A Difference. Unlike whats-his-name in "A Happy Death" where Camus argues his characters for perfect bliss as being free to do nothing. Yet for some strange reason I (and arguably Camus) cannot find peace in being idol. But I stray, perhaps in my want to sound well read. Well fuck that, I am well read, I just read Tristessa. Christ. Art fag. And my fight for Cool Points continues.

James, you are like E. The come-down is really rough. Cept I'm not fucking up my brain, or at least not putting holes in it.

All of this semi-complaining. I don't feel I'm actually complaining, though. I feel it is easier to "publicly" share my thoughts on my frustrating climb through my career-life than it is my love-life.

Which, by the way, is fucking awesome.

But I wouldn't want to jinx it, so I'll leave it at that.

Okay, now I'm tired. Photographing possibly three people tomorrow. Picking up a couple rolls of colour from the other day with the amazing Constanza. Pretty stoked. Sunday I go to the community darkroom that I got a membership for the summer for the huge unreasonable sum of forty dollars. In this respect, I feel on the right step again.

Sigh. He inspires me so.

Constanza:

And while I learned how much I love cross processing with that little point-and-shoot camera, I also learned that it's a hell of a lot cheaper to do it with my half point-and-shoot half slr digital. Not only can I go into photoshop and fuck with it till my heart's content, I can also control the image better.

But film is still so much more gratifying.

Can't. Wait. For. The. Film.

I have so much to do on Sunday! I can't wait to be back in the lab.

Sad Happy

I just got home from work.. a particularly frustrating night consisting of down-pouring rain and standing out in the cold and soaked down to my panties, shivering and standing idol. And while this may sound like a fun adventure (say, if I werren't working and my palm was full of my baby's palm, perhaps with Manhattan glowing over there and six stories up on a roof with my head tilted back; stupid happy and rightly so), it may sound like an adventure but instead it was my boss pulling me aside by the arm and speaking low, if you put a negative energy to these new girls I will cut you so fast and I feel the tears pulling out, my throat tighten like a child. I child who is wet and cold and lonely and truely only wishes to make people happy. I just wanted to close the bar, to at least clean and lift boxes of liquor and work toward something real; make myself useful. Moments later, though, and he's having us do just that, and I find myself wondering how come he couldn't have just said it's okay, we'll get you guys out of the rain, get your bar packed. It makes me feel inhuman, I feel the strength of stoicism and apathy fighting with my passion for life and love and approval. Silly girl. Silly girl who got lost in the world of a man she loves, forgetting that the outside world exists and you have to go back to it. Everything's about ballance. Fuck balance, I just want to do the things that make me happy. Happy is not in Utica, but four hours North-East of here.

I just realized that I'm $30 short of what I should have gotten in tips according to the little slip of paper attached to the wad of ones (yes, they don't even have the decency to change it in for bigger bills). I'm torn between going back to the bar and seeing if they're still there and ask them why, or waiting and doing it tomorrow. My fear is that they'll not trust that it was actually short. Seeing as I'm clearly a liar and a thief.






James took this.. And while it's supposed to say "fuck you" I feel it says a lot of things, "fuck you" being lower on the list.

I want to

Travel the world.
I want to travel the world.
I want to travel the world.

Somehow, I forgot this in the last year or so. When I left highschool I had this plan of moving to a new city every two years. Living in different countries, traveling, photographing and modeling. Different cultures and languages and foliage! Different facial features, fashion, movement...

I want to go everywhere. Everrryyywhere.


I'm looking at hostels in Peru. $6 a night.


First step: Passport.

One Roll

Took the Rolleiflex to a party yesterday afternoon... Had one roll left and I know I got some nice portraits, particularly one or two of this girl Molly. I've shot her a lot, but because she's so guarded and self conscious, so much always going on with her, but very pretty, she makes for an awesome subject. Also, my friend Eleni was there, who is a gorgeous Lebanese/Greek mix and who is very pregnant (due in three weeks). Both girls have gotten used to me shoving cameras in their faces, so they trust me to make sure they look good or whatever. I'm so excited. Everyone was asking me what kind of camera it was, many thought it was a film (moving) camera. I explained that it makes these super sweet square negatives and let them look through it.. mostly for my own enjoyment of, "wow, cool!". No shit, right?

I hope they came out, I had to guess on the exposure.

Oh, and I think I'll break down and get a digital camera.
And though I want a Nikon, I'll prolly get a Canon cause I already have a battery grip, lens, and two batteries for it.

Or maybe I'll just get a Nikon.

Nikon just sounds better.

Besides, then it'll match my Nikon N80. Maybe I'll even get a D80 and it'll REALLY match. Like twins. Ew, okay, maybe that's not a good idea. Come to think of it, maybe I'll just get the Canon and the two can be buddies.

Rambling of a Lost Soul

It's been a week since my senior show, since I've been completely done with school. It's been two weeks since I picked up my camera. It's driving me nuts. And while I'm relieved that Miss Model Sarah is coming to visit me (not only because she's a friend, but model, too), I don't know what to do with her. I don't know what to do with anyone. I am extremely uninspired. I need to get out of Utica. I feel trapped, I feel caged and forgotten.

I feel like making friends, or general getting-to-know-someone is very hard for me. Lately I feel like I assume people don't like me, it's been brought to my attention that I don't smile so much. When I'm happy I feel like a social butterfly. But I am not happy.

But I am doing my laundry today, which is good. And my friends Pete and Val are having a cookout tonight and I'm going to that... which means I'll see a bunch of people I know. Which means I'll show up and look super cute and not talk to anyone and eat amazing food and smoke a lot of cigarettes.

Something else that has been brought to my attention is this: Everyone has an opinion about people they know.. what they're thinking, why they act how they act, what kind of person they are. I often feel like I'm misread and I feel like people think I misread them. However, I think that I am actually misread, and that anyone who might think I am misreading them are wrong and are actually denying the fact that they are a certain way. And, I fear that I am in denial. That I've just sat and thought way too much about what I do or who I am that I have no answers or no direction.

And how is it that some people are so stupid and some people aren't? What makes a person too "stupid" for me to talk to? Why are some people closed minded, and others not? Why are some people generally bubbly and some people generally miserable? Why do I feel that I am meant to do something impactual, something bigger than Gouverneur or Watertown or Utica or even NYC or any city? Why do I think I'll always be alone, or I'll always be angry or I'll never sit still?

The only thing that is reliable is my photography and my ambition to make a life with it, yet I don't know where I'm going with it. Who am I talking to, why does it matter? I learned when I was little that, "it is better to say nothing and be thought a fool, than say say something and confirm it". But I also learned that by asking questions of other people, you learn in a different way than if you go find the answer yourself. The more you find answers alone, the more alone you are, because you're not connecting with anyone in order to share your discoveries.

I don't want to be a hermit, I want to be a traveling magician.

I am Worthless

I deserve nothing.

My Cinderella Carrying Me

The Senior Show opening lastnight was fun. I have 12 pieces in it (including this one), and it'll be up until September. There's talk of me having my own show after this one comes down, which would be rad. I got showered with praise, my favorite being from my photoshop instructor from like two years ago. He said that all my pictures tell a story, a story that leaves you asking questions with no answers. That made me feel special.

Holly came with me, and dressed me up in this super black outfit. I wore heals all night and my feet still hurt. According to her, lastnight was boot camp for heal wearing for me, haha. We then went out to a couple bars, which I never do, and throughout the night I saw a lot of people I know. Which, seeing as I never go out, never happens. It was nice. I wanted to dance but the music wasn't right.

Oh, and this guy who went to my school a couple years ago asked me to model for him. He's asked me before through Model Mayhem and I've turned him down, and I did again, with as much grace as I could. I really have not much interest in modeling anymore. When Jerome, my main professor, found out that I wouldn't model for this guy, he was all "blah blah blah you should just do it, blah blah blah, ego, blah". I tried to explain to him that I only model for people that I really like their work, and that working for this guy wouldn't gain me anything. I was ganged up on about having a big head or whatever, which I thought was really unfair.

My mother and grandmother came, which was nice. And a few friends. My boyfriend, however, didn't. I'm still really bummed about that.

I've sat around all day, napping, fucking around, hanging some clothes, watching Lost online. Today was really lame. I haven't talked to anyone all day. I left the house for a grand total of about a half hour, went and treated myself to a slice of pizza and an Arizona peach tea because I'm sick of chicken nuggets and peanut butter and jelly.

I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel fucked up.