It is almost nine in the morning. I've been up a while but moving slow. I'm ready to walk out the door but not ready to move... I've been taking some pole dancing classes, and am supposed to be at one in an hour, but it's an upper level class that I'm sorta crashing but I've grown scared and decided not to go. I want someone from the studio to call me and assure me that I will be fine, but it's not happened and grown almost past the time where if I left now I could make it. Fear, what an interesting concept and feeling. So much fear is based off of nothing. Fear of judgement. I face that one a lot. Fear of failure... fear of sexuality... The studio, called S Factor, is equal parts workout, dance and sex therapy. You are guided to touch your body, to freely move without fear or consequence. There are no mirrors, it is dark, and no men are allowed in the studio at all. 

Through this and not smoking anymore, taking a break from drinking, living a life sailing... I'm completely separate from this other life I was living just months ago. I feel so good about myself and what I'm doing, yet I am completely alone. There are so many people I wish to know better, who I miss, who I wish to love and love me.