So yesterday I decided to do nothing with my day, and a part of me felt pretty bummed and guilty about it. First of all, I had a model cancel a shoot on me, and another girl who I just met who I am so dying to photograph doesn't have time for me, and my friends are out of town or unmotivated or whatever. These are the same people who tell me how they love my work... How am I supposed to believe it when I can't get anyone to commit to shooting with me? Don't take it personally, Chip says, You'll be fine.
Okay, Okay. So I sorta take the day off. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it is about NYC that is so disenchanting to me this trip (besides all of that). I watched lost and cried over Jack telling Kate about how he deals with fear by letting it wash over him, take over, but only for five seconds. But the problem is, is that I'm afraid of pretty much everything. A part of me is, at least. I took a nap, I watched Silver Linings Playbook and then the Hunger Games while drinking a bottle of wine and then slept great.
But I wake up at noon. I swear the only place I ever wake up at noon is in NYC. Why is this? Why when I love the city so much, and there is so much to do, do I find myself hiding away in apartments here? It's not just this apartment, it's any apartment I've ever stayed in. But then I started thinking and I realized it's not just NYC, although it is worse here.
But it's not like that when I was living on the boat. Why?
I think on freedom and energy and happiness. My singularly and regularly happiest moments are when I'm driving in my car, the sun is out, the windows are down and I'm going somewhere new, or I don't have a destination, or whatever it may be. When I had my car I had a lot of those moments, and in my head I would imagine wings - which were my whole being and self - stretched out and soaring. Underneath me and my car, were my roots, searching out and springing forward, content on just touching the ground but not planting. Searching.
And then it came to me - on the boat I can have both my wings and my roots.
I also have structure, discipline, responsibility. I actually enjoy being told what to do. I'm learning something, I'm a part of something.
We'll find out what I'm actually made of for this boat stuff in June, looks like I'll be there for a good three weeks or more. The coolest part is that I can come and go. But I really want to know what I'm doing. So much to learn.
I really wanted to go to Europe for a couple weeks for my birthday, but traveling with the boat for a month isn't a bad replacement.
Now for my boat wardrobe.... ;)
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2 comments:
My mind is flooded with things to say, but who am I? =)
I feel the same way, Meagan. I dreamed of living in NYC my whole life, and now that I'm here, I spend most of my free time cooped up in my apartment. When I was on the boat, it was a constant responsibility, even more so since I was single-handing it for 600 miles, as well as the absolute freedom of know that at any time I could simply make a port tack and head off for the horizon. It comes down to a matter of finding your horizon in every environment. Whether you sail towards it or not, knowing the option is there is incredibly freeing.
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