Fear

photo by Jaime Ibarra

I'm scared.

Inside, I feel my fingers wringing, twisting, grasping at each-other.

Constantly, I concentrate on my breath and push fears to the side.

However, currently -I feel the panic. The panic of failure, failure in everything.

My little evil demon, he's clinging to my ear, panting out doubt and ridicule in slick acid tones.

I've learned some sense of silence...

There was a time when I would say exactly what was on my mind, without much hesitation.

Now it sticks there, in the back of my throat, unable to move, and with a sigh, is filed away

There was one point, where I always had someone to tell everything.

No, it's not anywhere as easy. There is no one to tell, there are no words to justify me.

Silly me, what was I thinking?

This is a trial.

A trial of strength, determination, dreams, faith and love..

You have to love yourself.

But as my friends weed themselves out or plant themselves more solidly into my life, and I find new friends and reconnect with old ones, I feel this panic as I watch the uncertainty of their loyalty to me. My burning bridges and rash behavior weigh heavy on scales and why am I being judged? So I get in my car, and I drive away... and if you'd like to keep a small place in your heart for me to return to, I promise, I'm doing my very best.