Jane Eyre

I've just watched the movie... and it's made me cry just as the book did, when I read it a few years ago. It's so romantic, and heartbreaking. Her patient and diligent love, her humble and quiet demeanor.

I feel like I'm constantly searching out this love to have, to put my heart into. Sometimes I think my cigarette addiction is nagging at my heart, and so I would smoke, and it doesn't fix it- I become restless and tearful and wonder why- and it's the same as it's always been: Heartache. Heartache not for the love lost, but for the love never had. So badly do I want to have it, only to be ever denied. Once and a while I think I've found it, so I chase and I chase after it, only to have the person of my affections turn from me, and maybe that's my great dilemma, falling in love with those who will not have me. A fear one way or another to demolish any hope of happiness- fear of losing that person, fear of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. Fear of letting them down, so why not destroy it before it gets there, anyway. Maybe one day I'll find someone who will make me calm, someone who will stand through the firestorm that is my defense- it's not fair, it's not something anyone should put up with or endure. Perhaps, even, I will find this calm in myself, God, wouldn't that be nice... Why must I have it in my head to find someone to complete me? Where have I gotten that silly idea stuck in my head. Just as some would like to tame me, there is a part of me that wishes to be tamed but none who I see fit to do so. Lately I think it comes down to me taming myself, and which I've started to do. I can't decide whether it is sad or relieving. A part of me thinks I am giving up on this love, another thinks I am preserving some semblance of that innocent girl who believes so much in that romance. I don't wish to be jaded and broken, but no matter how hard I've tried, I think it's happened...

Small Town Reflections

So I've been in Gouverneur for five days now, and until today I haven't exactly left the house, except to the gas station across the streets for snacks. Not for any other reason except for the fact that I've been totally and completely engrossed in scanning and editing pictures. I have a lot more to go, but I'm getting antsy, so today I went for a run, down to my old Elementary school (I was only there one year, but it was still nostalgic.. and small) and through the path in the woods they have there. It was great, I really enjoyed myself, and I've enjoyed being alone and quiet. Of course, I've been keeping my brain distracted with Buffy while scanning, but I'm in the last season, so by sometime tomorrow I'll have no more Buffy, which is good. Then it's on to exploring more of the town. It'd be nice if I could maybe put some of my work up in the cafe here, find a way to make some money to get business cards and my website up and running. Etc. It's all a bit rough but between selling most of my clothes and some of my other things, it should be a good start. I have a lot of prints, and I hope that I find people who want to buy a few of them, unfortunately there's a lot of portraits, and too personal.

I do wonder, what will happen when I try to tap into this little town. There's gotta be families wanting family portraits, highschool girls with dreams of modeling, and couples wanting romantic or saucy pictures... But it's interesting, because it wont take very long for me to infiltrate, it's one of those towns where everyone knows everyone. All I have to do is sit at the pizzaria or cafe for the next week. Shouldn't be too hard. It starts tomorrow, cause I gotta make money soon so I can get the rest of my film developed. Hm, plans plans...

blah blah blah

I've been back at my grandmother's in wayyy upstate NY for three days now... in that time all I've done is sit in my room, watch Buffy, scan and scan negatives, edit a few, start to organize my room... and do my makeup about a dozen different ways. The combination of being in my 10-14year old room, having all my clothes in one place (and makeup), doing a self portrait project and needing to make money... leads me to want to do just play dressup with myself in order to sell some of these clothes. I mean, there's definitely worse ways to spend my time. I really could use a tripod, though, I had one at some point but I'm pretty sure I left it in my old apartment. One of them, at least. But whatever, I'll make due with what I have. I've decided that while I'm a clothing hoarder, I may as well make some money off of it, seeing as I can't be a vagabond with all this baggage, besides, I've lost almost everything as it is. I'm really getting good at not having attachments to... well, anything... Or (sadly) anyone. I've definitely developed a good sense of loner. Now if only I could make myself go running. I fucking hate running.