Back to School!

So I'm all enrolled in classes as of almost two weeks ago and waiting for my financial aid to come through. I'm anxious and dying to know whether I'll actually be able to go to school or not, or if I have to get a job to pay for rent. I'd rather not, I'd rather have loans and just bang out photography non stop for the next two semesters, it would be so amazing. I want that so badly. All I've been thinking about lately is having my own apartment again, with ALL of my stuff. Having a portrait corner with lights, my computer and external hard drive and scanner all set up. God damn I want a home again, my own place. I miss that so much. Cleaning high on Sundays and drinking coffee to some music or movie while networking online. My own space.

I also have three 8am classes this semester. All of them the four hour photo classes. Photo Journalism on Monday (whcih will be about the fifth time I've taken it... literally), Studio Techniques on Wednesday (all tabletop product, borinnnngggg) and Color Photo on Thursday, which is hilarious that I didn't pass it the last time I took it, I think. Cause clearly I can take colour photographs. I just have to, you know, do the assignments.

Which I'm really excited about, having assignments. In my dream land, I'll have enough student aid to cover all my photo shit (film, processing, paper, lights) and rent.. then I can do modeling jobs here and there for weekend trips to cover expenses to go off to other cities to work on my own projects.

It's all fabulously laid out, I just hope it works the way I want it to. Please please please! I want this so badly.

I want to do a project on documenting high school students. I like documenting people, in general. Like the picture above.

I'm Not Afraid

Dear Eminem,

I'm sorry I downloaded your album for free from a friend. I've wanted it and I wanted to buy it but I just can't afford it and I'm terribly obsessed with it, from what I've heard so far. I promise to be a good dedicated fan and know every goddamn word. "Not Afraid" is my new ultimate favorite song and speaks so straight to me that I cannot control but to blast the fuck out of it and fist pump and act like a lunatic. Thankyou.

Love,

Meagan

read the whole fucking thing even if you hate Eminem.

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Ceasing to Believe isn't Ceasing to Exist...

I'm watching children's movies and dreaming about love and magic as if they're real. I am split, as I suppose any balanced person should be, between the wonderment of hope and the bitterness of reality. There are no fairies, no santa, no magic wands and special genies. There is no prince Charming. All there is, is little me, waving my arms up from the sea of people doing the same thing, lost in the mass and trying to stick out... But there's something else I'm starting to learn.. that perhaps it's not about sticking out, but finding a place where I'm comfortable, and the attention will come to me in my content and pleasure of my own life, that I will glow. That same idea of when you stop looking, you will find love. I guess I've just never been able to not look. Impossible for me to not wonder if the new cute guy I'm talking to will love me and I him, secretly whispering my name with his last name to see how it sounds in my mouth, picturing our lives old, like all the other dreaming princesses in the world. But is it such a terrible thing to dream about? I don't think so, not at all. But it doesn't seem to be reasonable for me, it doesn't seem to be my path... and I often wonder if I've ever actually been in love. And I wonder about that mystery of a dilemma where a person can fall in love with someone who does not reciprocate. That is most confusing to me... how is it even possible? How could someone feel so strongly and the other not? Are we, as humans, so capable of deceiving ourselves? Are we that desperate to not be alone, to have someone always there, that we will lie until we think it's true?

I'm just a dreamer...

A dreamer who has been trying too hard.