I want to

Travel the world.
I want to travel the world.
I want to travel the world.

Somehow, I forgot this in the last year or so. When I left highschool I had this plan of moving to a new city every two years. Living in different countries, traveling, photographing and modeling. Different cultures and languages and foliage! Different facial features, fashion, movement...

I want to go everywhere. Everrryyywhere.


I'm looking at hostels in Peru. $6 a night.


First step: Passport.

One Roll

Took the Rolleiflex to a party yesterday afternoon... Had one roll left and I know I got some nice portraits, particularly one or two of this girl Molly. I've shot her a lot, but because she's so guarded and self conscious, so much always going on with her, but very pretty, she makes for an awesome subject. Also, my friend Eleni was there, who is a gorgeous Lebanese/Greek mix and who is very pregnant (due in three weeks). Both girls have gotten used to me shoving cameras in their faces, so they trust me to make sure they look good or whatever. I'm so excited. Everyone was asking me what kind of camera it was, many thought it was a film (moving) camera. I explained that it makes these super sweet square negatives and let them look through it.. mostly for my own enjoyment of, "wow, cool!". No shit, right?

I hope they came out, I had to guess on the exposure.

Oh, and I think I'll break down and get a digital camera.
And though I want a Nikon, I'll prolly get a Canon cause I already have a battery grip, lens, and two batteries for it.

Or maybe I'll just get a Nikon.

Nikon just sounds better.

Besides, then it'll match my Nikon N80. Maybe I'll even get a D80 and it'll REALLY match. Like twins. Ew, okay, maybe that's not a good idea. Come to think of it, maybe I'll just get the Canon and the two can be buddies.

Rambling of a Lost Soul

It's been a week since my senior show, since I've been completely done with school. It's been two weeks since I picked up my camera. It's driving me nuts. And while I'm relieved that Miss Model Sarah is coming to visit me (not only because she's a friend, but model, too), I don't know what to do with her. I don't know what to do with anyone. I am extremely uninspired. I need to get out of Utica. I feel trapped, I feel caged and forgotten.

I feel like making friends, or general getting-to-know-someone is very hard for me. Lately I feel like I assume people don't like me, it's been brought to my attention that I don't smile so much. When I'm happy I feel like a social butterfly. But I am not happy.

But I am doing my laundry today, which is good. And my friends Pete and Val are having a cookout tonight and I'm going to that... which means I'll see a bunch of people I know. Which means I'll show up and look super cute and not talk to anyone and eat amazing food and smoke a lot of cigarettes.

Something else that has been brought to my attention is this: Everyone has an opinion about people they know.. what they're thinking, why they act how they act, what kind of person they are. I often feel like I'm misread and I feel like people think I misread them. However, I think that I am actually misread, and that anyone who might think I am misreading them are wrong and are actually denying the fact that they are a certain way. And, I fear that I am in denial. That I've just sat and thought way too much about what I do or who I am that I have no answers or no direction.

And how is it that some people are so stupid and some people aren't? What makes a person too "stupid" for me to talk to? Why are some people closed minded, and others not? Why are some people generally bubbly and some people generally miserable? Why do I feel that I am meant to do something impactual, something bigger than Gouverneur or Watertown or Utica or even NYC or any city? Why do I think I'll always be alone, or I'll always be angry or I'll never sit still?

The only thing that is reliable is my photography and my ambition to make a life with it, yet I don't know where I'm going with it. Who am I talking to, why does it matter? I learned when I was little that, "it is better to say nothing and be thought a fool, than say say something and confirm it". But I also learned that by asking questions of other people, you learn in a different way than if you go find the answer yourself. The more you find answers alone, the more alone you are, because you're not connecting with anyone in order to share your discoveries.

I don't want to be a hermit, I want to be a traveling magician.

I am Worthless

I deserve nothing.

My Cinderella Carrying Me

The Senior Show opening lastnight was fun. I have 12 pieces in it (including this one), and it'll be up until September. There's talk of me having my own show after this one comes down, which would be rad. I got showered with praise, my favorite being from my photoshop instructor from like two years ago. He said that all my pictures tell a story, a story that leaves you asking questions with no answers. That made me feel special.

Holly came with me, and dressed me up in this super black outfit. I wore heals all night and my feet still hurt. According to her, lastnight was boot camp for heal wearing for me, haha. We then went out to a couple bars, which I never do, and throughout the night I saw a lot of people I know. Which, seeing as I never go out, never happens. It was nice. I wanted to dance but the music wasn't right.

Oh, and this guy who went to my school a couple years ago asked me to model for him. He's asked me before through Model Mayhem and I've turned him down, and I did again, with as much grace as I could. I really have not much interest in modeling anymore. When Jerome, my main professor, found out that I wouldn't model for this guy, he was all "blah blah blah you should just do it, blah blah blah, ego, blah". I tried to explain to him that I only model for people that I really like their work, and that working for this guy wouldn't gain me anything. I was ganged up on about having a big head or whatever, which I thought was really unfair.

My mother and grandmother came, which was nice. And a few friends. My boyfriend, however, didn't. I'm still really bummed about that.

I've sat around all day, napping, fucking around, hanging some clothes, watching Lost online. Today was really lame. I haven't talked to anyone all day. I left the house for a grand total of about a half hour, went and treated myself to a slice of pizza and an Arizona peach tea because I'm sick of chicken nuggets and peanut butter and jelly.

I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel fucked up.

More More MORE!

I don't even get the chance to be tired of recent photos before I'm convinced I'm sick of them and want something new, something better. It's never good enough. But I guess that's not a bad thing.

I keep saying to other people and to myself, "I've worked so hard this semester." And every time I say it I'm wondering if I'm trying to convince myself or if it's actually true. And then I think about how I barely work and when I do my money has gone straight to film, processing and going to see my baby. And I remember to be thankful that my grandmother has paid my rent while I'm enrolled in school (which I'm not necessarily proud of), and I have remembered and been grateful that I've been able to spend every penny and every minute doing what I love.

I'm just scared of the real world. But I'm ready.


I think.


But more pressing is my senior show. I want it to be just how I want it, and I'm so worried that it wont be. I'm just so worried.

Polaroid Vain

Pissed off a polaroid LiveJournal community today. Well, some of them. Basically said something like, "most of these polaroids suck" and then posted this one:

I found it ridiculously entertaining all the diverse responses. I guess I was sick of seeing the crap every time I browsed my friends page. I've also never had a community on it for longer than a week, and now I remember why.

Everyone's an artist.

I'm not elitist, I just believe in my world.


ps:

Polaroid LJ post

Printing Big

May not happen now. Arrrrgh... There's too many people printing in the darkroom right now, so we have to wait until Monday... when I may not be able to do it then, either. I fucked up, I should have done it Thursday like we planned. I have to learn to fight exhaustion more. Especially at times like this.

Originally it was to be three big prints... but now I'd be happy with one. Two would be awesome, three would be fantastic. But please let me be able to print at least one! *crosses fingers*

Photo of Nerlande. I'm a bit obsessed.

Issues

Of course, I spent hours and hours and days and days scanning negatives last week and the week before, and finally dumped them onto DVD's that freeze up the computers so I can't get the files off of them. Just dandy. I don't have time to scan everything again. My part of the senior show is getting smaller and smaller and less and less grand.. I had high hopes, but I guess that's what I get for not managing my time properly and being an over achiever.

Fuck MVCC, anyway. I don't need it.


But yeah, still putting as much as I can in. Just a bummer that it's all got to be so difficult. But such is life, I suppose.

Coffee at Midnight, Cotten Candy and White Trash

I'm watching the first Lord of the Rings. I don't have the other two, but I wish I did. I want to be in a movie like this. With elves and magic and dramatic plots and heroes and villains. Of course, I'd want a bow, and maybe some super sweet powerz. And a horse. I sure love horses.

Shut up, Meagan, go back to editing.

Over priced, over worked

I'm too stressed out about the end of the semester, just one ball of anxiety and on the edge of crying, which I did finally do today when a friend was joking around and told me that the school's scanner was broken. He got pissed when I burst into tears and I felt awful silly. Pifft, girls.

These are photos from my first and second semester, three years ago. The bottom one is from a trip to NYC about a month into my college experience and I knew nothing and was completely like "how do I set my camera??" And I was (and still am) happy with this photo... unfortunately the negative "disappeared" so all I have is this web file... bummer.

Anyway.. Went to Danella's (local camera store) and cleaned them out of 120 colour film, a whole two rolls. Spent $62 there on this:

- 2 rolls processed, 35mm color
- 2 rolls t-max 100 35mm
- 2 rolls tri-x 400 35mm
- 2 rolls portra 160 120mm
- 1 roll ektachrome


Are you kidding me? At B&H I could have gotten three times as much film for that.... fuck.

Aren't I a ball of sunshine?

Well I'm scanning Sarah and Colin, Nerlande, her friend who I forget her name, and Diana. Which I'm stoked about.